there's nothing inside her... as if.

Thanks for the last batch of comments. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Let's jump right in...

calories for friday:
breakfast- oats & soymilk & sugar - 450
lunch- gum x2 - 10
dinner- veg burger & fries & diet pop - 660
total: 1120 cals

Perfect. Now just do it again with less fat and sugar.

My goal: between 1000-1400 cals/day
+ exercise

fat girl + beach = oxymoron

Let's have an oxymoron-free summer!

My current favorite random youtube video...

whoops

So....random day......

accidentally told my therapist about my "strange eating" habits.... T got a bit stressed out... T happens to be eating disorder specialist in addition to other things...we've discussed ED type things before.....but I've always denied. then today i bring it up. now its like... why the hell did i do that?!? whoops...

so recently... blacked out for like 10 mins and then showered and lost a couple handfuls of hair.

and now... cause i blabbed, I'm to keep a food log and bring it in. I told T... I said "I'll lie on it" and T just said "don't".

so I wrote down my foods and cals for the day and it was a high number (1550 cals) and I got a little freakish and just took laxs for the 1st time in a long time.

so now its like... aw crap.
Literally, crap.

barf'n beauty

Sick.
Some sorta flu. Bug. Stomach distress.
Don't wanna eat.
Can't eat without losing it.
Dinner? Think I'll pass.
I <3 U flu.

Homework for you:  Look up Audrey Tautou, if you haven't before. She's a true beauty.

starve. eat. repeat.

Ya know how you'll do "good" for a few days, maybe a week or two? Then suddenly, you pull a chair up to the pantry and start shoveling it in like a person possessed. Then there's that panic of - how do I get it out? Laxatives aren't practical, the calories are still in. Puking seems reasonable, but it's loud and there are people home. You wander the house aimlessly, thinking maybe I could take a mid-day shower, that would cover the noise... or walk to a secluded park and... well... Then give up, curl in bed and wonder why you didn't just go to bed before the binge started.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Starve. Eat. Repeat.

----
Good to hear from you Vee. Twas afraid I'd lost track of you during my blogging hiatus!

done!

The holidays? Done.
Forced family eating? Done.
Back on track? Done. Done. Done!

So far today: 1 c. soy milk, 1 stick gum, 1 sf mint, 1 granola bar, 16 oz. cola. ~288 cals.

Know what I'm liking?
SHAPE magazine
Thin documentary
Apples
Vaseline Intensive Rescue Moisture Locking Lotion
Bundling up, walking at night in freezing cold temps


Totally.


My weight?
Hanging around 200
But losing those inches

My routine?
AM - push ups, squats, stretching
During day - as active as possible
PM - nighttime walks, little 5 or 10 lb weight lifting


Need to do more.
Do more.
Consume less.
Burn more.
Lose more.
Overall, gain more.
But be half of what I am.


I'm serious about that Vaseline Lotion. Not to sound like an infomercial, but it's really superb stuff.

Okay... this post is like, 5 weeks overdue?

Just a quick update - 

When I started this blog I weighed 221 lbs.
My most recent update (in October) was 207 lbs.
Today? 200 lbs.

:D

dream.... nightmare?

Had a dream last night that I'd gone out for a ride on my bike. I was far away from home when the pedaling got difficult. I looked down at my bike and saw that it was collapsing in on itself. My weight was too much for the bike. I sat down on the curb next to my bike, trying to unbind and twist the metal back into shape when a man walking past saw me. He came over, looked at the bike, laughed, and... I woke up.

I have been eating crazy much and crazy bad (mostly sugar) for the last two days.

Euk.

a different sort of post

My normally slow life has picked up speed and is trotting along at an unsettling quick pace. Meanwhile, my brain is clomping along and my knees are crick-creaking and my feet thump-thumping and I just can't keep up.

And it's all a mess. And it's all too much therapy and too much pressure for anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, anti-idontgiveadamns. Me? OCD? Not at all. Please don't medicate me for that. Depression? Don't we all have that? eh...

I've stopped running now. I'm sitting on the couch with a bag of chips between my knees, moving fist to face on repeat. Sitting there, watching my normally slow life whiz past faster than I can process it.

Coax myself to my feet, take a cautious step and crumple into a heap on the floor. Can't get up, too heavy. My creaky knees won't support me. Take a fork and knife and eat and eat until I've eaten myself away.

Save the heart for last, it's the tastiest bit.

Eating

Food.

A long, long time ago I made the choice to eat LESS. Then that spiraled out of control and soon I was eating NONE. Then I lost many, many pounds; very, very fast. Then, still without control, I was eating ALL. All the pounds came back and brought their friends with them.

In those periods of NONE and ALL, I felt terribly sick, achy, shaky, depressed, mentally slow & dumb, etc.

But in the times of LESS, I felt comparatively more energized, more focused, more mentally stable. And, because of the consistency and quality of what I did eat, I lost more weight.

Here is an example of a day of LESS for me:

Breakfast: 1/3 cup oatmeal & 4 Tablespoons oat bran cooked. 1 cup milk. Sometimes a few berries. (250-275 calories)
1 Calcium Citrate tablet
1 Emergen-C drink packet, good for vitamin C and B vitamins (usually 25 calories)


Lunch: 200-400 calories of food, like a sandwich or a cup of soup or a meal bar or a small portion of leftovers, with salad or carrots and low-cal fruit.
1 Multivitamin tablet with 18mg iron

Dinner: up to 400 calories of food, usually a protein and vegetable dish - go easy on the pasta/grains.
(optional) 1 Calcium Citrate tablet

Snack: only if strongly craving, at the end of the day have something sweet, up to 210 calories.

Drinks: Emergen-C drink, several glasses of water, herbal teas, diet soda (sparingly) and other calorie free drinks.

Extras: Gum, hard candies, mints.

---
This is what works for me. Granted, I have had periods of time where nothing is within my control (either gaining nonstop or losing way fast) and then I have highly controlled times when I still manage to fail to lose weight. It is not as though I am anywhere near skinny yet, so no telling how good this advice really is... All I know is I'm lost a solid 14 pounds and though it's been slow (3 months for 14 lbs), it has stayed off, and in the meantime I haven't become a dizzy imp, with a starved brain. So I guess it's worth it.

brief stats post

Just a quick update - hard finding blog time lately...

July 1st - 
222 pounds
Waist 43
Hip 49
Bum 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 26.5
Shin 16.5 

October 1st -
207 pounds
Waist 40
Hip 46.5
Bum 45
Bust 40.5
Arm 15
Thigh 26
Shin 15

Total Pounds Lost: 15
Total Inches Lost: ~10
BMI: 30.6
Starting BMI was: 32.8