Had a dream last night that I'd gone out for a ride on my bike. I was far away from home when the pedaling got difficult. I looked down at my bike and saw that it was collapsing in on itself. My weight was too much for the bike. I sat down on the curb next to my bike, trying to unbind and twist the metal back into shape when a man walking past saw me. He came over, looked at the bike, laughed, and... I woke up.
I have been eating crazy much and crazy bad (mostly sugar) for the last two days.
Euk.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
a different sort of post
My normally slow life has picked up speed and is trotting along at an unsettling quick pace. Meanwhile, my brain is clomping along and my knees are crick-creaking and my feet thump-thumping and I just can't keep up.
And it's all a mess. And it's all too much therapy and too much pressure for anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, anti-idontgiveadamns. Me? OCD? Not at all. Please don't medicate me for that. Depression? Don't we all have that? eh...
I've stopped running now. I'm sitting on the couch with a bag of chips between my knees, moving fist to face on repeat. Sitting there, watching my normally slow life whiz past faster than I can process it.
Coax myself to my feet, take a cautious step and crumple into a heap on the floor. Can't get up, too heavy. My creaky knees won't support me. Take a fork and knife and eat and eat until I've eaten myself away.
Save the heart for last, it's the tastiest bit.
And it's all a mess. And it's all too much therapy and too much pressure for anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, anti-idontgiveadamns. Me? OCD? Not at all. Please don't medicate me for that. Depression? Don't we all have that? eh...
I've stopped running now. I'm sitting on the couch with a bag of chips between my knees, moving fist to face on repeat. Sitting there, watching my normally slow life whiz past faster than I can process it.
Coax myself to my feet, take a cautious step and crumple into a heap on the floor. Can't get up, too heavy. My creaky knees won't support me. Take a fork and knife and eat and eat until I've eaten myself away.
Save the heart for last, it's the tastiest bit.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Eating
Food.
A long, long time ago I made the choice to eat LESS. Then that spiraled out of control and soon I was eating NONE. Then I lost many, many pounds; very, very fast. Then, still without control, I was eating ALL. All the pounds came back and brought their friends with them.
In those periods of NONE and ALL, I felt terribly sick, achy, shaky, depressed, mentally slow & dumb, etc.
But in the times of LESS, I felt comparatively more energized, more focused, more mentally stable. And, because of the consistency and quality of what I did eat, I lost more weight.
Here is an example of a day of LESS for me:
Breakfast: 1/3 cup oatmeal & 4 Tablespoons oat bran cooked. 1 cup milk. Sometimes a few berries. (250-275 calories)
1 Calcium Citrate tablet
1 Emergen-C drink packet, good for vitamin C and B vitamins (usually 25 calories)
Lunch: 200-400 calories of food, like a sandwich or a cup of soup or a meal bar or a small portion of leftovers, with salad or carrots and low-cal fruit.
1 Multivitamin tablet with 18mg iron
Dinner: up to 400 calories of food, usually a protein and vegetable dish - go easy on the pasta/grains.
(optional) 1 Calcium Citrate tablet
Snack: only if strongly craving, at the end of the day have something sweet, up to 210 calories.
Drinks: Emergen-C drink, several glasses of water, herbal teas, diet soda (sparingly) and other calorie free drinks.
Extras: Gum, hard candies, mints.
---
This is what works for me. Granted, I have had periods of time where nothing is within my control (either gaining nonstop or losing way fast) and then I have highly controlled times when I still manage to fail to lose weight. It is not as though I am anywhere near skinny yet, so no telling how good this advice really is... All I know is I'm lost a solid 14 pounds and though it's been slow (3 months for 14 lbs), it has stayed off, and in the meantime I haven't become a dizzy imp, with a starved brain. So I guess it's worth it.
A long, long time ago I made the choice to eat LESS. Then that spiraled out of control and soon I was eating NONE. Then I lost many, many pounds; very, very fast. Then, still without control, I was eating ALL. All the pounds came back and brought their friends with them.
In those periods of NONE and ALL, I felt terribly sick, achy, shaky, depressed, mentally slow & dumb, etc.
But in the times of LESS, I felt comparatively more energized, more focused, more mentally stable. And, because of the consistency and quality of what I did eat, I lost more weight.
Here is an example of a day of LESS for me:
Breakfast: 1/3 cup oatmeal & 4 Tablespoons oat bran cooked. 1 cup milk. Sometimes a few berries. (250-275 calories)
1 Calcium Citrate tablet
1 Emergen-C drink packet, good for vitamin C and B vitamins (usually 25 calories)
Lunch: 200-400 calories of food, like a sandwich or a cup of soup or a meal bar or a small portion of leftovers, with salad or carrots and low-cal fruit.
1 Multivitamin tablet with 18mg iron
Dinner: up to 400 calories of food, usually a protein and vegetable dish - go easy on the pasta/grains.
(optional) 1 Calcium Citrate tablet
Snack: only if strongly craving, at the end of the day have something sweet, up to 210 calories.
Drinks: Emergen-C drink, several glasses of water, herbal teas, diet soda (sparingly) and other calorie free drinks.
Extras: Gum, hard candies, mints.
---
This is what works for me. Granted, I have had periods of time where nothing is within my control (either gaining nonstop or losing way fast) and then I have highly controlled times when I still manage to fail to lose weight. It is not as though I am anywhere near skinny yet, so no telling how good this advice really is... All I know is I'm lost a solid 14 pounds and though it's been slow (3 months for 14 lbs), it has stayed off, and in the meantime I haven't become a dizzy imp, with a starved brain. So I guess it's worth it.
Friday, October 8, 2010
brief stats post
Just a quick update - hard finding blog time lately...
July 1st -
222 pounds
Waist 43
Hip 49
Bum 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 26.5
Shin 16.5
October 1st -
207 pounds
Waist 40
Hip 46.5
Bum 45
Bust 40.5
Arm 15
Thigh 26
Shin 15
Total Pounds Lost: 15
Total Inches Lost: ~10
BMI: 30.6
Starting BMI was: 32.8
July 1st -
222 pounds
Waist 43
Hip 49
Bum 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 26.5
Shin 16.5
October 1st -
207 pounds
Waist 40
Hip 46.5
Bum 45
Bust 40.5
Arm 15
Thigh 26
Shin 15
Total Pounds Lost: 15
Total Inches Lost: ~10
BMI: 30.6
Starting BMI was: 32.8
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Fave song: Big isn't beautiful
Don't know why I'm so hooked on this song.
There's a video on YouTube if you haven't seen/heard it. A couple lines missing in this version, but, eh.
King Adora - Big Isn't Beautiful
Just love it.
I want to feel my bones on your bones, yea.
I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.
There's a video on YouTube if you haven't seen/heard it. A couple lines missing in this version, but, eh.
King Adora - Big Isn't Beautiful
Just love it.
I want to feel my bones on your bones, yea.
I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.
Invincible Ghosts.
Thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post (more than a week ago, doh!) I was a bit pissed at the "friend" for a while, but then used her words as fuel to lose more!
I've had sporadic gains here and there, so it's hard to say how much I've really lost this week (or month, even). But I can confidently say I've lost 2-3 lbs this week and about 9 lbs since the first week of August. I think tomorrow will show a devastating gain since I ate triple the calories today than I've been eating... I know my period is coming, so the cravings will be a problem as usual.
I saw a wonder woman today. She was dressed nicely, a little cool for September. I was loitering near a store :) and she was entering the store so I only briefly saw her. I noticed first that she was wearing a light dress for such a chilly day. Then I noticed her skinny ankles wrapped in strappy sandals. I did the smile-nod courtesy thing as she passed by me and I saw all at once - the visible ribs about her chest/upper body, the tiny arms and protruding shoulders, the bold cheekbones, the prominent collar bones. She smiled back and then she was gone.
It was all at once beautiful and horrifying and hilarious. I want to be very thin, but I don't want to be skeletal. At what point does that happen? When I get to "thin" will I be able to stop before "skeletal"? Will I be able to tell the difference any more? The funny part - I'm standing outside in a sweatshirt and jeans surrounded by a 100lbs worth of fat and I'm cold. This thin little thing sweeps across the parking lot in sandals and sundress and no fat to speak of and doesn't seem to notice. Impenetrable. Invincible. Ghost.
Where do you all stand? What's your goal, to be thin/skinny/tiny/slender or to be a skeleton/ghost/ethereal being? Opinions welcome, no harsh (or individualized) judgments allowed.
I've had sporadic gains here and there, so it's hard to say how much I've really lost this week (or month, even). But I can confidently say I've lost 2-3 lbs this week and about 9 lbs since the first week of August. I think tomorrow will show a devastating gain since I ate triple the calories today than I've been eating... I know my period is coming, so the cravings will be a problem as usual.
I saw a wonder woman today. She was dressed nicely, a little cool for September. I was loitering near a store :) and she was entering the store so I only briefly saw her. I noticed first that she was wearing a light dress for such a chilly day. Then I noticed her skinny ankles wrapped in strappy sandals. I did the smile-nod courtesy thing as she passed by me and I saw all at once - the visible ribs about her chest/upper body, the tiny arms and protruding shoulders, the bold cheekbones, the prominent collar bones. She smiled back and then she was gone.
It was all at once beautiful and horrifying and hilarious. I want to be very thin, but I don't want to be skeletal. At what point does that happen? When I get to "thin" will I be able to stop before "skeletal"? Will I be able to tell the difference any more? The funny part - I'm standing outside in a sweatshirt and jeans surrounded by a 100lbs worth of fat and I'm cold. This thin little thing sweeps across the parking lot in sandals and sundress and no fat to speak of and doesn't seem to notice. Impenetrable. Invincible. Ghost.
Where do you all stand? What's your goal, to be thin/skinny/tiny/slender or to be a skeleton/ghost/ethereal being? Opinions welcome, no harsh (or individualized) judgments allowed.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
sizes and sighs
I was out with a skinny friend last night. We were walking past a rack of clothing and she stops and points out a pair of dress pants. She says "ugh, can you believe how huge these are? who would let themselves get like that!"
They were a size smaller than what I currently wear.
---------------
About halfway through the month and I'm down 1 pound exactly. Not where I'd hoped to be, but considering the impromptu trip and all the eating out, it's ok for now. Got some exercise today, but ate a lot. Hoping to get more exercise in tomorrow...not sure what just yet.
---------------
I have been reading a bunch of blogs, catching up on the last week. Not commenting much, I know ~ sorry.
They were a size smaller than what I currently wear.
---------------
About halfway through the month and I'm down 1 pound exactly. Not where I'd hoped to be, but considering the impromptu trip and all the eating out, it's ok for now. Got some exercise today, but ate a lot. Hoping to get more exercise in tomorrow...not sure what just yet.
---------------
I have been reading a bunch of blogs, catching up on the last week. Not commenting much, I know ~ sorry.
Monday, September 13, 2010
a week gone, same weight
Back from the trip, thought i would be longer than i really was. lots of eating out done and lots of lazing about, but i did some exercise every day, and miraculously am the same weight i was a week ago when i left for this crazy trip. I'm quite proud, but I suspect it was all luck >.>
I did try to limit my meals the first couple days...but had a few brown outs and got scared that if i were to pass out, my relatives would...well...notice. so i pretty much blew the diet...but it seems to have worked out ok.
I've got exercise on the brain lately. this is good. now i just need to get out and do it!
Goal: make a goal. :-P
I did try to limit my meals the first couple days...but had a few brown outs and got scared that if i were to pass out, my relatives would...well...notice. so i pretty much blew the diet...but it seems to have worked out ok.
I've got exercise on the brain lately. this is good. now i just need to get out and do it!
Goal: make a goal. :-P
Saturday, August 28, 2010
today
Foods eaten:
tons of soup, a sandwich, banana, apple, tiny cup of sweet tea, bread.
Water: 60 oz.
Calories: 1075 max
Weight: lower than last week
Feeling: a bit dizzy, cautious about standing
Going to be gone 2 weeks, out of town, no internet, no calorie counters, no nothing. have to catch up on blog reading later.
xx
Samantha
tons of soup, a sandwich, banana, apple, tiny cup of sweet tea, bread.
Water: 60 oz.
Calories: 1075 max
Weight: lower than last week
Feeling: a bit dizzy, cautious about standing
Going to be gone 2 weeks, out of town, no internet, no calorie counters, no nothing. have to catch up on blog reading later.
xx
Samantha
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
*Caution, food post*
Chocolate ~
Got a question from embre a couple posts back, and thought I'd answer it here.
She asked what I meant by chocolate drink.
I'm vegan so when I posted chocolate drink I just meant like a chocolate soy, rice, or almond milk. I don't know why I phrased it that way....
--
Then I got thinking about other forms of chocolate.
I was a big-time chocolate addict. I loved it in every form: sauces, bars, frozen, chunks, puddings, dips, powders, drinks... Then I committed to veganism. No more milk chocolate. So now to get my occasional choco-fix, I eat...
Chocolate flavored soy or almond milk - 100-120 cal/cup
Vegan dark chocolate - usually 30 cal/square
Mint chocolate hard candies - 10 cals each
I know there are more options, but those are my faves. The 70%+ dark chocolate is near impossible to binge on because it's such a powerful taste. (don't take that as a challenge! lol)
Got a question from embre a couple posts back, and thought I'd answer it here.
She asked what I meant by chocolate drink.
I'm vegan so when I posted chocolate drink I just meant like a chocolate soy, rice, or almond milk. I don't know why I phrased it that way....
--
Then I got thinking about other forms of chocolate.
I was a big-time chocolate addict. I loved it in every form: sauces, bars, frozen, chunks, puddings, dips, powders, drinks... Then I committed to veganism. No more milk chocolate. So now to get my occasional choco-fix, I eat...
Chocolate flavored soy or almond milk - 100-120 cal/cup
Vegan dark chocolate - usually 30 cal/square
Mint chocolate hard candies - 10 cals each
I know there are more options, but those are my faves. The 70%+ dark chocolate is near impossible to binge on because it's such a powerful taste. (don't take that as a challenge! lol)
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