Fave song: Big isn't beautiful

Don't know why I'm so hooked on this song.

There's a video on YouTube if you haven't seen/heard it. A couple lines missing in this version, but, eh.

King Adora - Big Isn't Beautiful

Just love it.

I want to feel my bones on your bones, yea.
I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.

Invincible Ghosts.

Thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post (more than a week ago, doh!)  I was a bit pissed at the "friend" for a while, but then used her words as fuel to lose more!

I've had sporadic gains here and there, so it's hard to say how much I've really lost this week (or month, even). But I can confidently say I've lost 2-3 lbs this week and about 9 lbs since the first week of August. I think tomorrow will show a devastating gain since I ate triple the calories today than I've been eating... I know my period is coming, so the cravings will be a problem as usual.

I saw a wonder woman today. She was dressed nicely, a little cool for September. I was loitering near a store :) and she was entering the store so I only briefly saw her. I noticed first that she was wearing a light dress for such a chilly day. Then I noticed her skinny ankles wrapped in strappy sandals. I did the smile-nod courtesy thing as she passed by me and I saw all at once - the visible ribs about her chest/upper body, the tiny arms and protruding shoulders, the bold cheekbones, the prominent collar bones. She smiled back and then she was gone.

It was all at once beautiful and horrifying and hilarious. I want to be very thin, but I don't want to be skeletal. At what point does that happen? When I get to "thin" will I be able to stop before "skeletal"? Will I be able to tell the difference any more? The funny part - I'm standing outside in a sweatshirt and jeans surrounded by a 100lbs worth of fat and I'm cold. This thin little thing sweeps across the parking lot in sandals and sundress and no fat to speak of and doesn't seem to notice. Impenetrable. Invincible. Ghost.

Where do you all stand? What's your goal, to be thin/skinny/tiny/slender or to be a skeleton/ghost/ethereal being? Opinions welcome, no harsh (or individualized) judgments allowed.

sizes and sighs

I was out with a skinny friend last night. We were walking past a rack of clothing and she stops and points out a pair of dress pants. She says "ugh, can you believe how huge these are? who would let themselves get like that!"

They were a size smaller than what I currently wear.


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About halfway through the month and I'm down 1 pound exactly. Not where I'd hoped to be, but considering the impromptu trip and all the eating out, it's ok for now. Got some exercise today, but ate a lot. Hoping to get more exercise in tomorrow...not sure what just yet.

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I have been reading a bunch of blogs, catching up on the last week. Not commenting much, I know ~ sorry.

a week gone, same weight

Back from the trip, thought i would be longer than i really was. lots of eating out done and lots of lazing about, but i did some exercise every day, and miraculously am the same weight i was a week ago when i left for this crazy trip. I'm quite proud, but I suspect it was all luck >.>

I did try to limit my meals the first couple days...but had a few brown outs and got scared that if i were to pass out, my relatives would...well...notice. so i pretty much blew the diet...but it seems to have worked out ok.

I've got exercise on the brain lately. this is good. now i just need to get out and do it!

Goal: make a goal. :-P

today

Foods eaten:
tons of soup, a sandwich, banana, apple, tiny cup of sweet tea, bread.

Water: 60 oz.

Calories: 1075 max

Weight: lower than last week

Feeling: a bit dizzy, cautious about standing

Going to be gone 2 weeks, out of town, no internet, no calorie counters, no nothing. have to catch up on blog reading later.

xx
Samantha

*Caution, food post*

Chocolate ~

Got a question from embre a couple posts back, and thought I'd answer it here.


She asked what I meant by chocolate drink.

I'm vegan so when I posted chocolate drink I just meant like a chocolate soy, rice, or almond milk. I don't know why I phrased it that way....

--
Then I got thinking about other forms of chocolate.
I was a big-time chocolate addict. I loved it in every form: sauces, bars, frozen, chunks, puddings, dips, powders, drinks... Then I committed to veganism. No more milk chocolate. So now to get my occasional choco-fix, I eat...

Chocolate flavored soy or almond milk - 100-120 cal/cup
Vegan dark chocolate - usually 30 cal/square
Mint chocolate hard candies - 10 cals each

I know there are more options, but those are my faves. The 70%+ dark chocolate is near impossible to binge on because it's such a powerful taste. (don't take that as a challenge! lol)

weights & school

Weight Update: 
Aug 20 - 213.6
Aug 21 - 212.6
Aug 22 - 211.6
Today - 211.2

I haven't been very good about counting calories or exercising every day, but at least I'm not gaining! I've had some even spells and some minor ups and downs tho.

I've started college ... summer's over :(

I'm only taking a few, so it's not so bad, but one of my required classes is a health one. Today, we had a general fitness testing. If it'd been things like sprints or lifting weights I'd have been fine with it. But instead it was very public BMI testing with calipers, stats written on a whiteboard... I asked to be excused from the exercise, but it was a grade so... imagine the skinny girl in class measuring my back fat with a flimsy caliper, then asking the professor if she's doing it right, because she can't get a reading, then the professor coming over and saying, oh well the calipers dont work on all body types. Ya, I know... dont work on obese people. Arrgh... So I'm the only fatty in the class. Everyone else is normal and crap.

So, aside from the obvious fact that I'm obese...
I have noticed when I lie down and stretch out there is a gap between my hip and my first fat roll. I think I might *gasp* actually have a waist in there somewhere!

Food Log & Calories

What I ate today:

1 cup chocolate drink
1 banana
1 sugar free jolly rancher
1 veggie burger w/bun, ketchup, mustard.
~1-2 cups lettuce w/ 2T. lite dressing
~0.5 oz. chips
~10 dill pickle chips
at least 64 oz. water/herbal tea


Total calories: 700-800

inches and pounds and grains

Weight today and yesterday 214.2 lbs

Yesterday was very very bad. Left alone in the house for the day I thought "great, I can eat nothing and no one will notice" instead I ate bread and butter and more bread and pasta. It was really awful. So I was surprised this morning to see my weight is *exactly* the same as yesterday morning. Maybe the scale is just taking pity? will show me the real weight tomorrow?

So I measured everywhere, I figured at about halfway through the month, I should measure again. There were no gains! Here's the losses, in inches:
-0.5 from bust
-0.5 from waist
-1 from butt
-0.5 from thigh

ughh....stats for the day

Late last night I got so freakishly upset over nothing that I couldn't stop crying, so all of today I felt draggy and sleepy and lazy.

Weight: 215.4 (+2 from yesterday)
It's to be expected, I just wish I could pick a caloric value and stick with it, so my scale numbers wouldn't be all over the place.

Calories Today: 1100
Eaten Foods List: cheerios, soy drink, lettuce, 1T light dressing, V8 drink, banana, popcorn w/oil, veg burger (patty, bun, ketchup, mustard), 1c. fruit, chocolate soy drink.

It's less food than I've had in the past, and about the same calories as yesterday, so hopefully the stupid scale won't keep creeping up. On a positive note, I have located my hip bones! It's not like they're anywhere close to being visible, but at least now I can tell they exist and my leg's not just glued on with fat! :)

I love lying flat on my back, and feeling for hips/ribs. I just love it. Lying down, stretched out, I can almost picture myself skinny, even though I'm still 80+ lbs from skinny :-P

Anyone else do that, or am I just a weirdo? lol