Saturday, August 28, 2010


Foods eaten:
tons of soup, a sandwich, banana, apple, tiny cup of sweet tea, bread.

Water: 60 oz.

Calories: 1075 max

Weight: lower than last week

Feeling: a bit dizzy, cautious about standing

Going to be gone 2 weeks, out of town, no internet, no calorie counters, no nothing. have to catch up on blog reading later.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

*Caution, food post*

Chocolate ~

Got a question from embre a couple posts back, and thought I'd answer it here.

She asked what I meant by chocolate drink.

I'm vegan so when I posted chocolate drink I just meant like a chocolate soy, rice, or almond milk. I don't know why I phrased it that way....

Then I got thinking about other forms of chocolate.
I was a big-time chocolate addict. I loved it in every form: sauces, bars, frozen, chunks, puddings, dips, powders, drinks... Then I committed to veganism. No more milk chocolate. So now to get my occasional choco-fix, I eat...

Chocolate flavored soy or almond milk - 100-120 cal/cup
Vegan dark chocolate - usually 30 cal/square
Mint chocolate hard candies - 10 cals each

I know there are more options, but those are my faves. The 70%+ dark chocolate is near impossible to binge on because it's such a powerful taste. (don't take that as a challenge! lol)

weights & school

Weight Update: 
Aug 20 - 213.6
Aug 21 - 212.6
Aug 22 - 211.6
Today - 211.2

I haven't been very good about counting calories or exercising every day, but at least I'm not gaining! I've had some even spells and some minor ups and downs tho.

I've started college ... summer's over :(

I'm only taking a few, so it's not so bad, but one of my required classes is a health one. Today, we had a general fitness testing. If it'd been things like sprints or lifting weights I'd have been fine with it. But instead it was very public BMI testing with calipers, stats written on a whiteboard... I asked to be excused from the exercise, but it was a grade so... imagine the skinny girl in class measuring my back fat with a flimsy caliper, then asking the professor if she's doing it right, because she can't get a reading, then the professor coming over and saying, oh well the calipers dont work on all body types. Ya, I know... dont work on obese people. Arrgh... So I'm the only fatty in the class. Everyone else is normal and crap.

So, aside from the obvious fact that I'm obese...
I have noticed when I lie down and stretch out there is a gap between my hip and my first fat roll. I think I might *gasp* actually have a waist in there somewhere!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Food Log & Calories

What I ate today:

1 cup chocolate drink
1 banana
1 sugar free jolly rancher
1 veggie burger w/bun, ketchup, mustard.
~1-2 cups lettuce w/ 2T. lite dressing
~0.5 oz. chips
~10 dill pickle chips
at least 64 oz. water/herbal tea

Total calories: 700-800

inches and pounds and grains

Weight today and yesterday 214.2 lbs

Yesterday was very very bad. Left alone in the house for the day I thought "great, I can eat nothing and no one will notice" instead I ate bread and butter and more bread and pasta. It was really awful. So I was surprised this morning to see my weight is *exactly* the same as yesterday morning. Maybe the scale is just taking pity? will show me the real weight tomorrow?

So I measured everywhere, I figured at about halfway through the month, I should measure again. There were no gains! Here's the losses, in inches:
-0.5 from bust
-0.5 from waist
-1 from butt
-0.5 from thigh

Monday, August 16, 2010

ughh....stats for the day

Late last night I got so freakishly upset over nothing that I couldn't stop crying, so all of today I felt draggy and sleepy and lazy.

Weight: 215.4 (+2 from yesterday)
It's to be expected, I just wish I could pick a caloric value and stick with it, so my scale numbers wouldn't be all over the place.

Calories Today: 1100
Eaten Foods List: cheerios, soy drink, lettuce, 1T light dressing, V8 drink, banana, popcorn w/oil, veg burger (patty, bun, ketchup, mustard), 1c. fruit, chocolate soy drink.

It's less food than I've had in the past, and about the same calories as yesterday, so hopefully the stupid scale won't keep creeping up. On a positive note, I have located my hip bones! It's not like they're anywhere close to being visible, but at least now I can tell they exist and my leg's not just glued on with fat! :)

I love lying flat on my back, and feeling for hips/ribs. I just love it. Lying down, stretched out, I can almost picture myself skinny, even though I'm still 80+ lbs from skinny :-P

Anyone else do that, or am I just a weirdo? lol

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Stats and Questions for you all

Weight: 213.4 (+2 since yesterday)
Too much food.

Calories: 1198
I think I will set a goal to stay under 1200 cal/day. See if I can lose weight on that, then inch my way down. It's ridiculously hard to lose weight in a house where meals and snacks are so common and so often done together. My mom likes big portions. When she doesn't feel well she eats junk food, and expects me to pile on the chips right along with her!

Exercise: Some walking, nearly a mile. Burned about 70 calories. I'm going to buy a pedometer, learn to use it, wear it, and record the data from it each day. That way I can set goals in terms of # of steps per day.

  • I added some stuff to the side, I keep changing my blog layout. Do you all think I should add a blog roll? What do you all think of the side bar now? Am I missing something?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Stats of the Day

Weight this morning: 211.4 (down 1lb since yesterday!) I know this is going to slow down soon, in fact I'll probably gain tomorrow.

Fast food for two meals messed up this day... Calories: 1665.

Exercise: 10 miles of cycling, -260 calories.

Weekends are so hard :(
And tomorrow will be big family breakfast...

a bit of reminiscing fun

I thought I'd write a bit about the kids and adults of my childhood. This will be mostly happy and really strange stuff, though a few of my classmates had unfortunate lives. So it shouldn't be triggering but I will put a ** by any names that have especially disturbing/bizarre stories attached.

The Kids:

Melody - my neighbor across the street that I knew when I was age 3 or 4. She was older than me by a few years. She could get me to do anything by saying "if you don't ___ i won't be your friend anymore!" I remember she had a great collection of Barbies. She liked to play Teacher and Library and House and Nurse and all the stereotypical female roles. I went to her birthday party and cheated at pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Our friendship ended when I refused to play some game... I remember I was like dang, you really won't be my friend if i don't play with you... 

Sharri - We met when we were about 5 years old, she was my BFF, my rebound from Melody :-P  We did everything together always. She'd call me and we'd talk on the phone, then I'd go over to her house, then she'd come and spend the night at mine, then we'd go back to her house, etc. Around 6th grade she started growing up in ways that I wasn't ready for yet. She started wearing hip clothes, she joined cross country and band, she wore makeup and had rigorous hair routines. Then for junior high she went off to a private school so I saw even less of her even though she lived just down the street. Then I moved away.

Joy - we met around 4th grade, became close friends and often walked to school together. Her family was "religious" a concept I knew nothing of then since both my parents are devote atheists. Her room had the usual kid stuff, plus a cross and WWJD posters. I loved a big old hand carved noah's ark and the pairs of intricate animals that sat in the parlor. She invited me to Sunday School and my mother firmly said no when I asked if I could go. I was fascinated by her and her family and their house. I was usually early when I stopped by on the way to school, so I'd watch her get ready. She always brushed her teeth and used mouthwash and combed her hair. (I didn't see a reason to do any of that!) Her mother was always clean and wore "fancy" clothes. Our big falling out was when I promised to go to one of her basketball games and totally forgot. Though I'm sure I did or said something else that lead to that...

**Brooke - we weren't the best of friends, but she often sat next to me at lunch in 5th grade because she didn't object to my lunch as much as the other girls did. I ate "weird smelly food" apparently. I think the other kids were just confused about my vegetarianism, but whatever. Brooke also had "weird smelly food" so it all worked out. (Her bagged lunch contained light tuna on four saltine crackers and carrots and celery every day. At some point I started swapping my desserts for her carrots.) One day I remember she asked me what my mom looked like. I gave some generic answer like "brown hair, brown eyes..." She said "no, i mean is your mom pretty?" I said yeah i guess so. "But is she thin?

On the playground and at school Brooke was as much of an outsider as I was. But behind her back the majority of kids made fun of her. They sucked in their cheeks and walked around hunched down, then burst out laughing. Brooke was short and slight and had concave cheeks. She asked me one day what the other kids were whispering about and when I said it was because of her face she started to cry. I never have been very tactful. 

She invited me to her house after school. I assumed her mom would come pick us up, but we walked instead. She lived several miles away, a hard walk for little legs. She and her mom lived in some other person's house, they shared a room. The room was stuffed absolutely full of knickknacks, clothing, makeup, a small bed she shared with her mom, and a treadmill. We played for a bit then her mom came home and said I must leave because Brooke had to exercise. I never really found out what (if anything) was going on in that family. But as a kid it really bothered me. Brooke moved away before 6th grade started.

Susanna - My arch-nemesis in grade school. She was almost as tall as me (I was taller than everyone else, my one advantage over other kids). She was blond, thin, athletic, snobby, and rich. Teachers always confused our names because "we were so similar". On the playground when I was reading or cautiously climbing the jungle gym, she would incite other kids to throw handfuls of sand at me. She was smart though, she so perfectly orchestrated these attacks that she never was the kid that got caught or in trouble. Looking back, our whole relationship is quite comical now.

Bruce & Chris - some rough and tumble boys that I liked to hang near on the playground. They provided protection from other kids that liked to tease me. They're the kinda boys that started watching South Park in 2nd grade.

Krystal - Her folks made their living by holding and betting illegal cock fights. I wanted to like Krystal, but she smelled so terrible and just always looked dirty. This was compounded by her pooping her pants one day in music class. I was just too germaphobic to handle being her friend. I remember her front porch was always covered with chicken cages and poo.

**Cindy - Her dad was the park ranger and it was common knowledge that she was too far involved with taking over her dead mother's role. I always wondered why she continued to live with him, why teachers or social services didn't step in. She later stabbed a teacher with a pencil, then threw a chair at a window and was sent away.

Hailey - I was tentative friends with this girl for a few years in grade school. She was a skilled liar. She broke into cars and stole things (mostly CDs) that she later sold on the playground. She sold me a Tamagotchi at a discounted price, but later stole it back. She also had an impressive collection of "dirty magazines", considering we were in 3rd grade...

**The Teachers:

  1. We had an art teacher for less than two months who would bring in supplies for us to use from her own home. These supplies kept getting more and more "creative". I remember covering a whiskey bottle in colorful paper and scraps of cloth from old clothes to make a vase... She went away one day and never came back. I heard teachers gossiping that she was locked up in the asylum.
  2. There was also a teacher who was obviously a domestic violence victim. She would come to class with mysterious injuries and lots of excuses. The black eye? I'm so clumsy, I bumped into a shelf last night. The broken arm? Should have turned on the basement light! She was gone for a few months to work things out at home and we had a substitute teacher. I didn't really like the sub as all we had to do was work on our readers, and I had finished mine cover to cover so I spent most classes sharpening pencils. I was in the hall one day, during a class time. Don't remember why, but I did wander the halls a lot and never got in trouble... Anyway, I saw my teacher and my substitute teacher arguing on a landing, then my teacher pushed the sub who tripped and fell down the stairs. My teacher was screaming at the sub about the lesson plan and that she should never sub again, etc. The sub had a bloody nose. The principal turned up and pulled the ladies apart and directed them to his office. He looked at me briefly and said "no students in the hall! Get to class!"

The rest of my teachers and classmates were quite normal. But really dramatic and strange things happened in our little town of misfits. I wonder sometimes that if I observed all this bizarre crap happening around me, what was going on that I didn't notice?
Feel free to leave your own weird teacher/classmate stories in comments!

Friday, August 13, 2010

6 thoughts, 13 psych disorders, 1 sleepy person

Here are six thoughts I have floating loose in my brain that I'm writing before I go to bed.

  1. Purging. Yes I have done it. I got into a barfing habit for a while, then went into the laxative use. Still tempting... but laxatives don't result in real weight loss and only lead to dehydration (and loss of the ability to poo). And vomiting... bloodshot eyes, yellow teeth stripped of enamel, sore throat, crackly voice, obvious risk of getting thank you. So now I eat as best as I can each day and balance it with exercise when possible.
  2. Eating. I eat vegan usually, but sometimes have something containing dairy. I eat up to 300 calories in the morning, any extra in the afternoon if needed, and a regular family sit-down dinner meal (about 500).
  3. Exercise. I have membership at a community center/gym, but it is far away (roads aren't good for pedestrians and can't always use the car). I have a bike. I live in a good neighborhood to walk around.
  4. Sex. For a long time I thought I must be a lesbian because I'm not attracted to dudes. Now I think I'm asexual. I basically see sex as a necessity for making babies and nothing else.
  5. Friends. I have none in real life. I've always been short on friends....I think I just don't know how to make any. This translates to...
  6. Hermit. I hardly leave the house. When I do it's an ADVENTURE!

Now for some psycho-babble fun, here's a list of every mental illness I've ever been diagnosed with: (a * means it's still a valid diagnosis)

  1. Depression*
  2. Bipolar Disorder
  3. Social Anxiety
  4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder*
  5. Seasonal Affective Disorder
  6. Synesthesia*
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder
  8. Paranoid Schizophrenia
  9. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder*
  10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder*
  11. Depersonalization Disorder*
  12. Insomnia*
  13. Psychosomatic Pain*
Yup, I can be pretty screwed up sometimes.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar and later schizophrenia I was heavily "treated" with medications that "didn't work"...turns out I don't have either disorder. Ick. I took so many drugs of so many varieties... I have taken at least 15 different anti-psychotics, -depressants, -anxieties... Been locked up for months at a time. Haha. Nothing's so funny as taking bunches of medications for problems I never had....


Now I'm just as weird/crazy as I ever was, only uninsured. Suddenly...I'm healed! I don't need meds anymore... Amazing, huh?

(I will comment and catch up on reading blogs tomorrow maybe, sunday for sure!)

stats of the day

Weight: 212.4  o.O
Calories: 805
Water: not enough
Physical: back hurts, but I feel strong
My Day: very busy, lots of driving, sleepy afternoon
Exercise: active during day, no real good exercise
Mental: Jazzed :)
Food: got some protein, some veg, some calcium and iron. No junk food today except 2 breath mints (they hardly count as junk).

Thanks for all the comments on the last couple posts! I know I had a long blogging hiatus (or two) and a bunch of ya'll lost interest - sorry 'bout that! Gonna try to update more often and NOT lose my password again! :D  Dot, Sadhana, Rabbit - you all are wonderful, terrific people... and you all leave great comments!


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stats of the Day

Today I weighed 213.6 lbs. Down about 1.4 lbs from yesterday.

Today I ate:
oatmeal, nectarine, rice milk (195)
emergen-c packet (25)
apple (70)
burrito (340)
mixed greens with olive oil (120)
Total: 750 calories

Water: 80 oz.

none :(

How I Got Fat

Okay... Let's talk childhood.
I was born and raised on the prairie. I was a free range child, walked to elementary school with my older brother and sister and later alone, wandered the neighborhood after school, biked the neighborhood, explored the sewer system, etc. I was long and lean and tan, constantly a foot taller than my classmates. I had difficulties with my feet and breathing problems, so it was near impossible for me to run. I liked exploring on my own or with a buddy, but really disliked school -particularly gym class. I spent most of my time reading or drawing. I liked art class and liked to draw at home. By 5th and 6th grade I'd become a pro at faking injuries (even using fake blood and ace bandages to complete the effect) I managed to get out of participating in gym nearly every class.

I was a nerd, a thief, a liar, and a crybaby. I learned the art of manipulation very early on. I had very few friends.

My older sister commented once that I could eat anything and never gain a pound. I took this to heart and for some reason thought I really could eat whatever without any side effect.

Growing up, we were pretty poor. It wasn't until my younger siblings were born that we had luxuries like TV, new clothes, and vacations. Although my parents were always short on cash, there was always more than enough food in any one meal. My mom always needs to provide excessive amounts of food. I got nicknamed "garbage bin" by my older brother because after every dinner my mom would say "we can't have leftovers, who's gonna eat this?" and when no one else offered to, I always would.

Then came puberty. And with it came hips and breasts and chubby tummy. It worked out okay, I would chub up and then grow a couple inches taller and look okay and then repeat. 

* * * * *Skip this part if triggered by abuse/death stuff* * * * *

I got my period at 11. At 13 I got an old old nasty old man. My "boyfriend" (who was also 13) was a homeless orphan, passed between foster homes. He was a troubled young man often in detention. His parents had been killed in an automobile accident. He and I bonded at school, we were both social rejects. He helped me with athletics, I helped him with reading. We would often dream of running off together, I kept a bag of essentials packed at all times for an easy getaway. I was happy in my home life, but school was difficult and there was the issue with the old old nasty old man. When I learned I was knocked up, he said he'd "be like the dad for him and stuff" and we could get married later. I lost the baby - not very far into the pregnancy. I told my boyfriend. He wasn't at school the next day, or the next week. I found out later that he had hung himself.

* * * * All clear * * * *

Phew, okay stick with me.

So the school year ended and we moved cross country. I started high school. I had good reasons to be depressed. But everything from "before" seemed so small compared to "now". In high school in the new city most kids wore designer brand name clothing and frequented the mall (I'd never been to a mall before). I was behind in all my classes except English. I had to study about 8 hours a night to keep up with the work load. I lost contact with the "before" friends. I didn't make any "now" friends. I was bullied at school - I was pushed down staircases every day, knocked on my ass in the halls. It was total culture shock, to go from mostly impoverished, white and native american people to a large school of wealth containing every ethnicity. To go from a town where everybody's daddy works at the same company to a city of working parents and daycare, where social status rules.

I cut myself on and off for a few years (I really regret it now, just didn't think I'd live long enough to care). I tried to kill myself more times than I have fingers. Probably what worries me most about this blog is that my folks would have me locked up for how I'm eating, and it's a valid fear since they've gotten me committed for refusing to answer a question before. Except now that I'm an adult, they can't do that - so the even bigger fear is that I'll be kicked out of the house, uneducated and unemployed.

Here's my weight, by school grade:
7th - 120
end of 8th - 135
end of 10th - 200
end of 12th - 240
end of first semester college - 215
psychiatric medication - took me up to 240
current - I've been stuck the last few years around 220-230.

I eat when I'm studying, or trying to concentrate, or upset, or bored, or depressed, or uber happy. So I know how the pounds get on, I just don't know how to take them off.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Just sayin'

1. Emergen-C drink packets are a new favorite. Some kinds have about the same stuff that's in a multivitamin. 25-35 calories per packet, depending on the type. It makes a fizzy flavored drink - and no upset tummy like taking a vitamin on an empty stomach.

2. True Lemon, or Orange, or Lime packets are good too. Bunch of vitamin C, no calories or carbs, no sweeteners or sodium. Makes getting down the daily water a bit easier.

3. Comparison: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. As per serving sizes, a PB&J made with 70 cal/ slice bread, 190 cal/ 2 tablespoons PB, and  50 cal / tablespoon jam = 380 calories

Whereas a PB&J made with 70 cal/ slice bread, 1 tablespoon PB, and 10 cal/ 1 tablespoon Sugar Free jam = 245 calories

[For a even bigger stretch, heat or toast the bread first. Then smear on 1 teaspoon of peanut butter and 1 tablespoon of sugar free jam. (PB smears easier and thinner when hot, so less can be used). This would equal 182 or less calories.]

But my basic point is that you can take a 380 calorie sandwich and turn it into 245 calories without anyone noticing that you're eating a hundred less. [And the heated bread sandwich - could eat two of those and still not equal the calories of a normally prepared PB&J]

Today & New(ish) Blogger

Food today:
breakfast 150
dinner 810

3 miles light cycling (-60 cals)
a few reps for arms w/5lb weights

Aug. 5 - 217.8
Aug. 6 - 217.2
Aug. 10 - 216.2
Aug. 11 - 215 (today)

Favorite blog I just found yesterday: 
Click Here
It's a pretty blog. Nice layout, good writing, very easy for me to relate to this person even though I've never met her. Just lovely.

Monday, August 9, 2010

July's Results & More!

Stats for July 1st:
221.4 lbs.
Waist 43
Hip 49
Butt 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 27
Shin 16.5
Wrist 6.5

Stats for August 1st:
216.2 lbs
Waist 42, -1"
Hip 48.5, -0.5"
Butt 46, -1"
Bust 41, -1"
Arm 15, same
Thigh 27, same
Shin 15.5, -1"
Wrist 6.5, same

So, about 5 pounds and 4.5 inches lost in one month of 1200-1500 calorie days. Granted, I've lost more in a shorter amount of time by eating less... but there's something nice and sane about eating normally.

I think I may be a I am conflicted. I would like to eat nothing and run about all day. I would also like to sit on the couch, watching TV, and eat spoonfuls of jam straight from the jar. So at the moment, I'm doing an insane balancing act. I eat somewhat normally - paying attention to food groups, limiting fat and salt and sugar (and jam!). And I exercise somehow, everyday. And I try to be more active about the house and during the day. And I view thinspirational materials and I dream of renting my own flat someday so I can quit eating. So it's all a little insane. The word "wannarexic" comes to mind as I type this. I think at heart, I am a binge eater who would rather quit eating altogether than eat human proportions of foods.

On to other things...  I have a great tan! The not-so-great part is that my old cutting scars are really obvious (scars don't tan). So all of you who may read this: never EVER cut yourself on purpose. It's dumb dumb dumb! It only takes a moment, lasts forever, and doesn't do much to help whatever reason you have for cutting!

*ahem* Anyway... I've noticed since I have revisited my old friend the community gym, I have more energy, less asthma problems, and some bits and pieces of my body are getting sorta hard. Ya know? Like my shins and thighs seem to actually contain muscles. My arms, although still wobbly and large enough for two arms, are stronger and I can lift heavier things. My abs... and ribs... and all that is still lost under all the fat in my midsection. A person could suffocate in there... My belly button is still MIA, but I have found my feet! (I know 1. it's really pathetic, 2. if you've never been as large as me you have no idea what I'm talking about).

That's all for now, I'll post what I lose (if anything) in August.
~ Samantha