Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Okay... this post is like, 5 weeks overdue?

Just a quick update - 

When I started this blog I weighed 221 lbs.
My most recent update (in October) was 207 lbs.
Today? 200 lbs.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

dream.... nightmare?

Had a dream last night that I'd gone out for a ride on my bike. I was far away from home when the pedaling got difficult. I looked down at my bike and saw that it was collapsing in on itself. My weight was too much for the bike. I sat down on the curb next to my bike, trying to unbind and twist the metal back into shape when a man walking past saw me. He came over, looked at the bike, laughed, and... I woke up.

I have been eating crazy much and crazy bad (mostly sugar) for the last two days.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

a different sort of post

My normally slow life has picked up speed and is trotting along at an unsettling quick pace. Meanwhile, my brain is clomping along and my knees are crick-creaking and my feet thump-thumping and I just can't keep up.

And it's all a mess. And it's all too much therapy and too much pressure for anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, anti-idontgiveadamns. Me? OCD? Not at all. Please don't medicate me for that. Depression? Don't we all have that? eh...

I've stopped running now. I'm sitting on the couch with a bag of chips between my knees, moving fist to face on repeat. Sitting there, watching my normally slow life whiz past faster than I can process it.

Coax myself to my feet, take a cautious step and crumple into a heap on the floor. Can't get up, too heavy. My creaky knees won't support me. Take a fork and knife and eat and eat until I've eaten myself away.

Save the heart for last, it's the tastiest bit.

Monday, October 11, 2010



A long, long time ago I made the choice to eat LESS. Then that spiraled out of control and soon I was eating NONE. Then I lost many, many pounds; very, very fast. Then, still without control, I was eating ALL. All the pounds came back and brought their friends with them.

In those periods of NONE and ALL, I felt terribly sick, achy, shaky, depressed, mentally slow & dumb, etc.

But in the times of LESS, I felt comparatively more energized, more focused, more mentally stable. And, because of the consistency and quality of what I did eat, I lost more weight.

Here is an example of a day of LESS for me:

Breakfast: 1/3 cup oatmeal & 4 Tablespoons oat bran cooked. 1 cup milk. Sometimes a few berries. (250-275 calories)
1 Calcium Citrate tablet
1 Emergen-C drink packet, good for vitamin C and B vitamins (usually 25 calories)

Lunch: 200-400 calories of food, like a sandwich or a cup of soup or a meal bar or a small portion of leftovers, with salad or carrots and low-cal fruit.
1 Multivitamin tablet with 18mg iron

Dinner: up to 400 calories of food, usually a protein and vegetable dish - go easy on the pasta/grains.
(optional) 1 Calcium Citrate tablet

Snack: only if strongly craving, at the end of the day have something sweet, up to 210 calories.

Drinks: Emergen-C drink, several glasses of water, herbal teas, diet soda (sparingly) and other calorie free drinks.

Extras: Gum, hard candies, mints.

This is what works for me. Granted, I have had periods of time where nothing is within my control (either gaining nonstop or losing way fast) and then I have highly controlled times when I still manage to fail to lose weight. It is not as though I am anywhere near skinny yet, so no telling how good this advice really is... All I know is I'm lost a solid 14 pounds and though it's been slow (3 months for 14 lbs), it has stayed off, and in the meantime I haven't become a dizzy imp, with a starved brain. So I guess it's worth it.

Friday, October 8, 2010

brief stats post

Just a quick update - hard finding blog time lately...

July 1st - 
222 pounds
Waist 43
Hip 49
Bum 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 26.5
Shin 16.5 

October 1st -
207 pounds
Waist 40
Hip 46.5
Bum 45
Bust 40.5
Arm 15
Thigh 26
Shin 15

Total Pounds Lost: 15
Total Inches Lost: ~10
BMI: 30.6
Starting BMI was: 32.8

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Fave song: Big isn't beautiful

Don't know why I'm so hooked on this song.

There's a video on YouTube if you haven't seen/heard it. A couple lines missing in this version, but, eh.

King Adora - Big Isn't Beautiful

Just love it.

I want to feel my bones on your bones, yea.
I wish I had a body to die for, skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful.

Invincible Ghosts.

Thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post (more than a week ago, doh!)  I was a bit pissed at the "friend" for a while, but then used her words as fuel to lose more!

I've had sporadic gains here and there, so it's hard to say how much I've really lost this week (or month, even). But I can confidently say I've lost 2-3 lbs this week and about 9 lbs since the first week of August. I think tomorrow will show a devastating gain since I ate triple the calories today than I've been eating... I know my period is coming, so the cravings will be a problem as usual.

I saw a wonder woman today. She was dressed nicely, a little cool for September. I was loitering near a store :) and she was entering the store so I only briefly saw her. I noticed first that she was wearing a light dress for such a chilly day. Then I noticed her skinny ankles wrapped in strappy sandals. I did the smile-nod courtesy thing as she passed by me and I saw all at once - the visible ribs about her chest/upper body, the tiny arms and protruding shoulders, the bold cheekbones, the prominent collar bones. She smiled back and then she was gone.

It was all at once beautiful and horrifying and hilarious. I want to be very thin, but I don't want to be skeletal. At what point does that happen? When I get to "thin" will I be able to stop before "skeletal"? Will I be able to tell the difference any more? The funny part - I'm standing outside in a sweatshirt and jeans surrounded by a 100lbs worth of fat and I'm cold. This thin little thing sweeps across the parking lot in sandals and sundress and no fat to speak of and doesn't seem to notice. Impenetrable. Invincible. Ghost.

Where do you all stand? What's your goal, to be thin/skinny/tiny/slender or to be a skeleton/ghost/ethereal being? Opinions welcome, no harsh (or individualized) judgments allowed.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

sizes and sighs

I was out with a skinny friend last night. We were walking past a rack of clothing and she stops and points out a pair of dress pants. She says "ugh, can you believe how huge these are? who would let themselves get like that!"

They were a size smaller than what I currently wear.


About halfway through the month and I'm down 1 pound exactly. Not where I'd hoped to be, but considering the impromptu trip and all the eating out, it's ok for now. Got some exercise today, but ate a lot. Hoping to get more exercise in tomorrow...not sure what just yet.


I have been reading a bunch of blogs, catching up on the last week. Not commenting much, I know ~ sorry.

Monday, September 13, 2010

a week gone, same weight

Back from the trip, thought i would be longer than i really was. lots of eating out done and lots of lazing about, but i did some exercise every day, and miraculously am the same weight i was a week ago when i left for this crazy trip. I'm quite proud, but I suspect it was all luck >.>

I did try to limit my meals the first couple days...but had a few brown outs and got scared that if i were to pass out, my relatives would...well...notice. so i pretty much blew the diet...but it seems to have worked out ok.

I've got exercise on the brain lately. this is good. now i just need to get out and do it!

Goal: make a goal. :-P

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Foods eaten:
tons of soup, a sandwich, banana, apple, tiny cup of sweet tea, bread.

Water: 60 oz.

Calories: 1075 max

Weight: lower than last week

Feeling: a bit dizzy, cautious about standing

Going to be gone 2 weeks, out of town, no internet, no calorie counters, no nothing. have to catch up on blog reading later.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

*Caution, food post*

Chocolate ~

Got a question from embre a couple posts back, and thought I'd answer it here.

She asked what I meant by chocolate drink.

I'm vegan so when I posted chocolate drink I just meant like a chocolate soy, rice, or almond milk. I don't know why I phrased it that way....

Then I got thinking about other forms of chocolate.
I was a big-time chocolate addict. I loved it in every form: sauces, bars, frozen, chunks, puddings, dips, powders, drinks... Then I committed to veganism. No more milk chocolate. So now to get my occasional choco-fix, I eat...

Chocolate flavored soy or almond milk - 100-120 cal/cup
Vegan dark chocolate - usually 30 cal/square
Mint chocolate hard candies - 10 cals each

I know there are more options, but those are my faves. The 70%+ dark chocolate is near impossible to binge on because it's such a powerful taste. (don't take that as a challenge! lol)

weights & school

Weight Update: 
Aug 20 - 213.6
Aug 21 - 212.6
Aug 22 - 211.6
Today - 211.2

I haven't been very good about counting calories or exercising every day, but at least I'm not gaining! I've had some even spells and some minor ups and downs tho.

I've started college ... summer's over :(

I'm only taking a few, so it's not so bad, but one of my required classes is a health one. Today, we had a general fitness testing. If it'd been things like sprints or lifting weights I'd have been fine with it. But instead it was very public BMI testing with calipers, stats written on a whiteboard... I asked to be excused from the exercise, but it was a grade so... imagine the skinny girl in class measuring my back fat with a flimsy caliper, then asking the professor if she's doing it right, because she can't get a reading, then the professor coming over and saying, oh well the calipers dont work on all body types. Ya, I know... dont work on obese people. Arrgh... So I'm the only fatty in the class. Everyone else is normal and crap.

So, aside from the obvious fact that I'm obese...
I have noticed when I lie down and stretch out there is a gap between my hip and my first fat roll. I think I might *gasp* actually have a waist in there somewhere!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Food Log & Calories

What I ate today:

1 cup chocolate drink
1 banana
1 sugar free jolly rancher
1 veggie burger w/bun, ketchup, mustard.
~1-2 cups lettuce w/ 2T. lite dressing
~0.5 oz. chips
~10 dill pickle chips
at least 64 oz. water/herbal tea

Total calories: 700-800

inches and pounds and grains

Weight today and yesterday 214.2 lbs

Yesterday was very very bad. Left alone in the house for the day I thought "great, I can eat nothing and no one will notice" instead I ate bread and butter and more bread and pasta. It was really awful. So I was surprised this morning to see my weight is *exactly* the same as yesterday morning. Maybe the scale is just taking pity? will show me the real weight tomorrow?

So I measured everywhere, I figured at about halfway through the month, I should measure again. There were no gains! Here's the losses, in inches:
-0.5 from bust
-0.5 from waist
-1 from butt
-0.5 from thigh

Monday, August 16, 2010

ughh....stats for the day

Late last night I got so freakishly upset over nothing that I couldn't stop crying, so all of today I felt draggy and sleepy and lazy.

Weight: 215.4 (+2 from yesterday)
It's to be expected, I just wish I could pick a caloric value and stick with it, so my scale numbers wouldn't be all over the place.

Calories Today: 1100
Eaten Foods List: cheerios, soy drink, lettuce, 1T light dressing, V8 drink, banana, popcorn w/oil, veg burger (patty, bun, ketchup, mustard), 1c. fruit, chocolate soy drink.

It's less food than I've had in the past, and about the same calories as yesterday, so hopefully the stupid scale won't keep creeping up. On a positive note, I have located my hip bones! It's not like they're anywhere close to being visible, but at least now I can tell they exist and my leg's not just glued on with fat! :)

I love lying flat on my back, and feeling for hips/ribs. I just love it. Lying down, stretched out, I can almost picture myself skinny, even though I'm still 80+ lbs from skinny :-P

Anyone else do that, or am I just a weirdo? lol

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Stats and Questions for you all

Weight: 213.4 (+2 since yesterday)
Too much food.

Calories: 1198
I think I will set a goal to stay under 1200 cal/day. See if I can lose weight on that, then inch my way down. It's ridiculously hard to lose weight in a house where meals and snacks are so common and so often done together. My mom likes big portions. When she doesn't feel well she eats junk food, and expects me to pile on the chips right along with her!

Exercise: Some walking, nearly a mile. Burned about 70 calories. I'm going to buy a pedometer, learn to use it, wear it, and record the data from it each day. That way I can set goals in terms of # of steps per day.

  • I added some stuff to the side, I keep changing my blog layout. Do you all think I should add a blog roll? What do you all think of the side bar now? Am I missing something?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Stats of the Day

Weight this morning: 211.4 (down 1lb since yesterday!) I know this is going to slow down soon, in fact I'll probably gain tomorrow.

Fast food for two meals messed up this day... Calories: 1665.

Exercise: 10 miles of cycling, -260 calories.

Weekends are so hard :(
And tomorrow will be big family breakfast...

a bit of reminiscing fun

I thought I'd write a bit about the kids and adults of my childhood. This will be mostly happy and really strange stuff, though a few of my classmates had unfortunate lives. So it shouldn't be triggering but I will put a ** by any names that have especially disturbing/bizarre stories attached.

The Kids:

Melody - my neighbor across the street that I knew when I was age 3 or 4. She was older than me by a few years. She could get me to do anything by saying "if you don't ___ i won't be your friend anymore!" I remember she had a great collection of Barbies. She liked to play Teacher and Library and House and Nurse and all the stereotypical female roles. I went to her birthday party and cheated at pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Our friendship ended when I refused to play some game... I remember I was like dang, you really won't be my friend if i don't play with you... 

Sharri - We met when we were about 5 years old, she was my BFF, my rebound from Melody :-P  We did everything together always. She'd call me and we'd talk on the phone, then I'd go over to her house, then she'd come and spend the night at mine, then we'd go back to her house, etc. Around 6th grade she started growing up in ways that I wasn't ready for yet. She started wearing hip clothes, she joined cross country and band, she wore makeup and had rigorous hair routines. Then for junior high she went off to a private school so I saw even less of her even though she lived just down the street. Then I moved away.

Joy - we met around 4th grade, became close friends and often walked to school together. Her family was "religious" a concept I knew nothing of then since both my parents are devote atheists. Her room had the usual kid stuff, plus a cross and WWJD posters. I loved a big old hand carved noah's ark and the pairs of intricate animals that sat in the parlor. She invited me to Sunday School and my mother firmly said no when I asked if I could go. I was fascinated by her and her family and their house. I was usually early when I stopped by on the way to school, so I'd watch her get ready. She always brushed her teeth and used mouthwash and combed her hair. (I didn't see a reason to do any of that!) Her mother was always clean and wore "fancy" clothes. Our big falling out was when I promised to go to one of her basketball games and totally forgot. Though I'm sure I did or said something else that lead to that...

**Brooke - we weren't the best of friends, but she often sat next to me at lunch in 5th grade because she didn't object to my lunch as much as the other girls did. I ate "weird smelly food" apparently. I think the other kids were just confused about my vegetarianism, but whatever. Brooke also had "weird smelly food" so it all worked out. (Her bagged lunch contained light tuna on four saltine crackers and carrots and celery every day. At some point I started swapping my desserts for her carrots.) One day I remember she asked me what my mom looked like. I gave some generic answer like "brown hair, brown eyes..." She said "no, i mean is your mom pretty?" I said yeah i guess so. "But is she thin?

On the playground and at school Brooke was as much of an outsider as I was. But behind her back the majority of kids made fun of her. They sucked in their cheeks and walked around hunched down, then burst out laughing. Brooke was short and slight and had concave cheeks. She asked me one day what the other kids were whispering about and when I said it was because of her face she started to cry. I never have been very tactful. 

She invited me to her house after school. I assumed her mom would come pick us up, but we walked instead. She lived several miles away, a hard walk for little legs. She and her mom lived in some other person's house, they shared a room. The room was stuffed absolutely full of knickknacks, clothing, makeup, a small bed she shared with her mom, and a treadmill. We played for a bit then her mom came home and said I must leave because Brooke had to exercise. I never really found out what (if anything) was going on in that family. But as a kid it really bothered me. Brooke moved away before 6th grade started.

Susanna - My arch-nemesis in grade school. She was almost as tall as me (I was taller than everyone else, my one advantage over other kids). She was blond, thin, athletic, snobby, and rich. Teachers always confused our names because "we were so similar". On the playground when I was reading or cautiously climbing the jungle gym, she would incite other kids to throw handfuls of sand at me. She was smart though, she so perfectly orchestrated these attacks that she never was the kid that got caught or in trouble. Looking back, our whole relationship is quite comical now.

Bruce & Chris - some rough and tumble boys that I liked to hang near on the playground. They provided protection from other kids that liked to tease me. They're the kinda boys that started watching South Park in 2nd grade.

Krystal - Her folks made their living by holding and betting illegal cock fights. I wanted to like Krystal, but she smelled so terrible and just always looked dirty. This was compounded by her pooping her pants one day in music class. I was just too germaphobic to handle being her friend. I remember her front porch was always covered with chicken cages and poo.

**Cindy - Her dad was the park ranger and it was common knowledge that she was too far involved with taking over her dead mother's role. I always wondered why she continued to live with him, why teachers or social services didn't step in. She later stabbed a teacher with a pencil, then threw a chair at a window and was sent away.

Hailey - I was tentative friends with this girl for a few years in grade school. She was a skilled liar. She broke into cars and stole things (mostly CDs) that she later sold on the playground. She sold me a Tamagotchi at a discounted price, but later stole it back. She also had an impressive collection of "dirty magazines", considering we were in 3rd grade...

**The Teachers:

  1. We had an art teacher for less than two months who would bring in supplies for us to use from her own home. These supplies kept getting more and more "creative". I remember covering a whiskey bottle in colorful paper and scraps of cloth from old clothes to make a vase... She went away one day and never came back. I heard teachers gossiping that she was locked up in the asylum.
  2. There was also a teacher who was obviously a domestic violence victim. She would come to class with mysterious injuries and lots of excuses. The black eye? I'm so clumsy, I bumped into a shelf last night. The broken arm? Should have turned on the basement light! She was gone for a few months to work things out at home and we had a substitute teacher. I didn't really like the sub as all we had to do was work on our readers, and I had finished mine cover to cover so I spent most classes sharpening pencils. I was in the hall one day, during a class time. Don't remember why, but I did wander the halls a lot and never got in trouble... Anyway, I saw my teacher and my substitute teacher arguing on a landing, then my teacher pushed the sub who tripped and fell down the stairs. My teacher was screaming at the sub about the lesson plan and that she should never sub again, etc. The sub had a bloody nose. The principal turned up and pulled the ladies apart and directed them to his office. He looked at me briefly and said "no students in the hall! Get to class!"

The rest of my teachers and classmates were quite normal. But really dramatic and strange things happened in our little town of misfits. I wonder sometimes that if I observed all this bizarre crap happening around me, what was going on that I didn't notice?
Feel free to leave your own weird teacher/classmate stories in comments!

Friday, August 13, 2010

6 thoughts, 13 psych disorders, 1 sleepy person

Here are six thoughts I have floating loose in my brain that I'm writing before I go to bed.

  1. Purging. Yes I have done it. I got into a barfing habit for a while, then went into the laxative use. Still tempting... but laxatives don't result in real weight loss and only lead to dehydration (and loss of the ability to poo). And vomiting... bloodshot eyes, yellow teeth stripped of enamel, sore throat, crackly voice, obvious risk of getting caught...no thank you. So now I eat as best as I can each day and balance it with exercise when possible.
  2. Eating. I eat vegan usually, but sometimes have something containing dairy. I eat up to 300 calories in the morning, any extra in the afternoon if needed, and a regular family sit-down dinner meal (about 500).
  3. Exercise. I have membership at a community center/gym, but it is far away (roads aren't good for pedestrians and can't always use the car). I have a bike. I live in a good neighborhood to walk around.
  4. Sex. For a long time I thought I must be a lesbian because I'm not attracted to dudes. Now I think I'm asexual. I basically see sex as a necessity for making babies and nothing else.
  5. Friends. I have none in real life. I've always been short on friends....I think I just don't know how to make any. This translates to...
  6. Hermit. I hardly leave the house. When I do it's an ADVENTURE!

Now for some psycho-babble fun, here's a list of every mental illness I've ever been diagnosed with: (a * means it's still a valid diagnosis)

  1. Depression*
  2. Bipolar Disorder
  3. Social Anxiety
  4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder*
  5. Seasonal Affective Disorder
  6. Synesthesia*
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder
  8. Paranoid Schizophrenia
  9. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder*
  10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder*
  11. Depersonalization Disorder*
  12. Insomnia*
  13. Psychosomatic Pain*
Yup, I can be pretty screwed up sometimes.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar and later schizophrenia I was heavily "treated" with medications that "didn't work"...turns out I don't have either disorder. Ick. I took so many drugs of so many varieties... I have taken at least 15 different anti-psychotics, -depressants, -anxieties... Been locked up for months at a time. Haha. Nothing's so funny as taking bunches of medications for problems I never had....


Now I'm just as weird/crazy as I ever was, only uninsured. Suddenly...I'm healed! I don't need meds anymore... Amazing, huh?

(I will comment and catch up on reading blogs tomorrow maybe, sunday for sure!)

stats of the day

Weight: 212.4  o.O
Calories: 805
Water: not enough
Physical: back hurts, but I feel strong
My Day: very busy, lots of driving, sleepy afternoon
Exercise: active during day, no real good exercise
Mental: Jazzed :)
Food: got some protein, some veg, some calcium and iron. No junk food today except 2 breath mints (they hardly count as junk).

Thanks for all the comments on the last couple posts! I know I had a long blogging hiatus (or two) and a bunch of ya'll lost interest - sorry 'bout that! Gonna try to update more often and NOT lose my password again! :D  Dot, Sadhana, Rabbit - you all are wonderful, terrific people... and you all leave great comments!


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stats of the Day

Today I weighed 213.6 lbs. Down about 1.4 lbs from yesterday.

Today I ate:
oatmeal, nectarine, rice milk (195)
emergen-c packet (25)
apple (70)
burrito (340)
mixed greens with olive oil (120)
Total: 750 calories

Water: 80 oz.

none :(

How I Got Fat

Okay... Let's talk childhood.
I was born and raised on the prairie. I was a free range child, walked to elementary school with my older brother and sister and later alone, wandered the neighborhood after school, biked the neighborhood, explored the sewer system, etc. I was long and lean and tan, constantly a foot taller than my classmates. I had difficulties with my feet and breathing problems, so it was near impossible for me to run. I liked exploring on my own or with a buddy, but really disliked school -particularly gym class. I spent most of my time reading or drawing. I liked art class and liked to draw at home. By 5th and 6th grade I'd become a pro at faking injuries (even using fake blood and ace bandages to complete the effect) I managed to get out of participating in gym nearly every class.

I was a nerd, a thief, a liar, and a crybaby. I learned the art of manipulation very early on. I had very few friends.

My older sister commented once that I could eat anything and never gain a pound. I took this to heart and for some reason thought I really could eat whatever without any side effect.

Growing up, we were pretty poor. It wasn't until my younger siblings were born that we had luxuries like TV, new clothes, and vacations. Although my parents were always short on cash, there was always more than enough food in any one meal. My mom always needs to provide excessive amounts of food. I got nicknamed "garbage bin" by my older brother because after every dinner my mom would say "we can't have leftovers, who's gonna eat this?" and when no one else offered to, I always would.

Then came puberty. And with it came hips and breasts and chubby tummy. It worked out okay, I would chub up and then grow a couple inches taller and look okay and then repeat. 

* * * * *Skip this part if triggered by abuse/death stuff* * * * *

I got my period at 11. At 13 I got pregnant...by an old old nasty old man. My "boyfriend" (who was also 13) was a homeless orphan, passed between foster homes. He was a troubled young man often in detention. His parents had been killed in an automobile accident. He and I bonded at school, we were both social rejects. He helped me with athletics, I helped him with reading. We would often dream of running off together, I kept a bag of essentials packed at all times for an easy getaway. I was happy in my home life, but school was difficult and there was the issue with the old old nasty old man. When I learned I was knocked up, he said he'd "be like the dad for him and stuff" and we could get married later. I lost the baby - not very far into the pregnancy. I told my boyfriend. He wasn't at school the next day, or the next week. I found out later that he had hung himself.

* * * * All clear * * * *

Phew, okay stick with me.

So the school year ended and we moved cross country. I started high school. I had good reasons to be depressed. But everything from "before" seemed so small compared to "now". In high school in the new city most kids wore designer brand name clothing and frequented the mall (I'd never been to a mall before). I was behind in all my classes except English. I had to study about 8 hours a night to keep up with the work load. I lost contact with the "before" friends. I didn't make any "now" friends. I was bullied at school - I was pushed down staircases every day, knocked on my ass in the halls. It was total culture shock, to go from mostly impoverished, white and native american people to a large school of wealth containing every ethnicity. To go from a town where everybody's daddy works at the same company to a city of working parents and daycare, where social status rules.

I cut myself on and off for a few years (I really regret it now, just didn't think I'd live long enough to care). I tried to kill myself more times than I have fingers. Probably what worries me most about this blog is that my folks would have me locked up for how I'm eating, and it's a valid fear since they've gotten me committed for refusing to answer a question before. Except now that I'm an adult, they can't do that - so the even bigger fear is that I'll be kicked out of the house, uneducated and unemployed.

Here's my weight, by school grade:
7th - 120
end of 8th - 135
end of 10th - 200
end of 12th - 240
end of first semester college - 215
psychiatric medication - took me up to 240
current - I've been stuck the last few years around 220-230.

I eat when I'm studying, or trying to concentrate, or upset, or bored, or depressed, or uber happy. So I know how the pounds get on, I just don't know how to take them off.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Just sayin'

1. Emergen-C drink packets are a new favorite. Some kinds have about the same stuff that's in a multivitamin. 25-35 calories per packet, depending on the type. It makes a fizzy flavored drink - and no upset tummy like taking a vitamin on an empty stomach.

2. True Lemon, or Orange, or Lime packets are good too. Bunch of vitamin C, no calories or carbs, no sweeteners or sodium. Makes getting down the daily water a bit easier.

3. Comparison: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. As per serving sizes, a PB&J made with 70 cal/ slice bread, 190 cal/ 2 tablespoons PB, and  50 cal / tablespoon jam = 380 calories

Whereas a PB&J made with 70 cal/ slice bread, 1 tablespoon PB, and 10 cal/ 1 tablespoon Sugar Free jam = 245 calories

[For a even bigger stretch, heat or toast the bread first. Then smear on 1 teaspoon of peanut butter and 1 tablespoon of sugar free jam. (PB smears easier and thinner when hot, so less can be used). This would equal 182 or less calories.]

But my basic point is that you can take a 380 calorie sandwich and turn it into 245 calories without anyone noticing that you're eating a hundred less. [And the heated bread sandwich - could eat two of those and still not equal the calories of a normally prepared PB&J]

Today & New(ish) Blogger

Food today:
breakfast 150
dinner 810

3 miles light cycling (-60 cals)
a few reps for arms w/5lb weights

Aug. 5 - 217.8
Aug. 6 - 217.2
Aug. 10 - 216.2
Aug. 11 - 215 (today)

Favorite blog I just found yesterday: 
Click Here
It's a pretty blog. Nice layout, good writing, very easy for me to relate to this person even though I've never met her. Just lovely.

Monday, August 9, 2010

July's Results & More!

Stats for July 1st:
221.4 lbs.
Waist 43
Hip 49
Butt 47
Bust 42
Arm 15
Thigh 27
Shin 16.5
Wrist 6.5

Stats for August 1st:
216.2 lbs
Waist 42, -1"
Hip 48.5, -0.5"
Butt 46, -1"
Bust 41, -1"
Arm 15, same
Thigh 27, same
Shin 15.5, -1"
Wrist 6.5, same

So, about 5 pounds and 4.5 inches lost in one month of 1200-1500 calorie days. Granted, I've lost more in a shorter amount of time by eating less... but there's something nice and sane about eating normally.

I think I may be a little...off. I am conflicted. I would like to eat nothing and run about all day. I would also like to sit on the couch, watching TV, and eat spoonfuls of jam straight from the jar. So at the moment, I'm doing an insane balancing act. I eat somewhat normally - paying attention to food groups, limiting fat and salt and sugar (and jam!). And I exercise somehow, everyday. And I try to be more active about the house and during the day. And I view thinspirational materials and I dream of renting my own flat someday so I can quit eating. So it's all a little insane. The word "wannarexic" comes to mind as I type this. I think at heart, I am a binge eater who would rather quit eating altogether than eat human proportions of foods.

On to other things...  I have a great tan! The not-so-great part is that my old cutting scars are really obvious (scars don't tan). So all of you who may read this: never EVER cut yourself on purpose. It's dumb dumb dumb! It only takes a moment, lasts forever, and doesn't do much to help whatever reason you have for cutting!

*ahem* Anyway... I've noticed since I have revisited my old friend the community gym, I have more energy, less asthma problems, and some bits and pieces of my body are getting sorta hard. Ya know? Like my shins and thighs seem to actually contain muscles. My arms, although still wobbly and large enough for two arms, are stronger and I can lift heavier things. My abs... and ribs... and all that is still lost under all the fat in my midsection. A person could suffocate in there... My belly button is still MIA, but I have found my feet! (I know 1. it's really pathetic, 2. if you've never been as large as me you have no idea what I'm talking about).

That's all for now, I'll post what I lose (if anything) in August.
~ Samantha

Wednesday, July 21, 2010



I've been feelin' great!

Though...tony the tiger also said he felt grrrrrreat after eating sugar frosted sugar flakes...so....

I have 10 more days until my end of the month weigh in... I keep wanting to cheat and see where my weight is.... :-0  I know. It's kinda lame... I feel like I'm making great progress...but I just don't know! *fingers crossed* Hope I'm 215 or less by july's end!

So... let's recap...

July 19: 1700 calories consumed. 2 trips to the gym. Burned 200 cardio calories the first trip, burned 50 the second with cardio and did an hour of weight lifting.

I felt strong.

July 20: 1765 calories consumed. 150 burned at the gym with cardio.

I felt achy and weak but determined.

July 21: (today!) 1625 calories consumed. No gym time - but some time hoofing it around the house.

I decided I should take the day off.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Foods I ate today:
14 sweet cherries (60 cals)
nectarine (70)
soup & salad & crackers at restaurant (340)
2 oz. 100% cranberry juice with 14oz. water/ice (30)
48oz. of creamy chowder (960)
gum (10)
Total: 1470
Goal was: 1200-1500

I kinda feel like I'll barf. 6 cups of rich creamy potato soup right before bed...

Tomorrow I hope to rise early and go for a walk/run/waddle before many folks are up and about. Also before the heat sets in. It's been over 100*F lately.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Mid-month weigh in!

This is it... July 15th. I actually didn't want to step on the scale today.

July 1st - 221.4

July 15th - 216.0
same measurement inches

WOW! I actually lost a few. 5 pounds - that's pretty reasonable for 2 weeks. Hope the scale's not lying... My end of July goal is "solidly under 215 lbs" - solidly meaning, not 214.9!''

So far today I have eaten cereal with milk - 135 calories. And iced peppermint tea with no calorie sweetener for zero cal. Just not really hungry. I'm sure I'll eat more later, probably get 1200 today.

Today I'm going to try to fix my bike. And go for a walk. Maybe I'll go to the gym later - if I can get a ride or if I'm ambitious enough to walk across town... It's not that it is impossibly far away, there's just so many streets to cross and no sidewalks, so it's...awkward.

I've got bruises all up and down my legs. Gotta figure out what that is about.

Okay - so I'm all hyped up about this weigh-in being LOWER than the first! Hopefully I'll be motivated to actually MOVE MY BODY in the last two weeks of July :)

Monday, July 12, 2010

back back back!

I'm back from vacation!

It was....okay. Sorta. Ate a ton and a half and hardly moved. Probably the most exercise I got was from turning the pages of my book. Okay, so I'm really lazy, I know it. Nothing new about that. I got a bit tan from doing a really pathetic attempt at swimming in the hotel pool. Nice to have pool access, but my dad's wallet is aching from the hotel costs - wish family would let us stay with them... I mean, we went out there to spend time with them! sheesh.  It's a pretty land-locked part of the country, but there is a lake. We all went out there. I put on and took off a swimsuit, settled for shorts and a tee. I think the skinnies must vacation at the coast, go to a beach or something. The fatties, hang out in the lake. Blending in with the other people around, I felt free to lay around and eat. Again, sheesh!

So this whole plan-thing, to weigh only 3x a month. I'm kinda dreading it now... I mean... I have 3 days until I'm "due". I think it's gonna be a gain.

In fact, I almost hope it's a gain. I didn't do anything consistently enough to deserve weight loss. But, regardless of how it turns out. I'm going to do better. I need to do better. Cause right now I feel like....dung.

So concrete plans...for change...for progress... I need to think about that.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Q's, cals, goals, book, and vacay.

What do you all think of my new blog layout? Is the text easy enough to read?

Today the family unexpectedly went out to eat. I had cereal and fruit in the morning, then the big dinner. Calories are 680 for dinner + 150 for fruit + 300 for cereal and milk = 1130 total.

I'm going to go eat a massive salad that will add about 140 plus a bit more fruit for 200.

So assume ~1500 for the day. Not bad. It's gonna be terrible this week, going on holiday. But I think the exercise and walking about will balance whatever I eat. I'll keep a log and let you all know how it goes when I get back.

I posted a couple days ago that I'm going virtually scale-free. I keep almost weighing just out of habit! My next scale day is July 15th. I'm excited to see if this works - if I work harder to make a bigger difference on the scale, by not seeing it stand stagnate, stuck at the same number every day. *fingers crossed* that my number will be different AND LOWER! At the end of July!

Here's some more stats, just for the heck of it:
Clothing sizes (US):
Pants/Jeans - US size 20
Shirts - 2XL
Weight - about 220

And the goals that go with them:
Jeans - size 12 or less. It would be amazing to be a single digit size!
Shirts - size M
Weight - 150 or less

Other thing: 
I read a book recently that was pretty bizarre, and I think pretty good. It's called "Mercy Unbound" by Kim Antieau. Basically Mercy is a very well rounded, intelligent girl who is turning into an angel. She thus does not eat, because angels don't need to eat.

That's it for now, I'll be back on to write more and read/comment on all your blogs in a week and a half!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

need a little accountability

I'm alone in the house for the next few hours.

Usually I would use this unmonitored time to methodically eat my way through the kitchen. Sometimes I would follow this with a nice, long vomit.

So for the moment, I'm just going to list what I've eaten so far today - with the hope it'll stop me, before I start!

Woke late, first meal:

18 blueberries
4 medium sized strawberries
1.5 c. lettuce w/ spicy brown mustard
1/4 orange
1 quart water with a Benefiber Orange packet
Calories: 530

Second meal:
1 veggie burger w/white bun
salad w/ 1 tablespoon dressing
3 oz. carrots
0.5 c. blueberries
Calories: 360

Total so far: 890 calories

After typing and adding all this, I've decided to eat some popcorn later on and bring it up to an even 1000 calories. I have also thought of a better use of my alone time... exercise!

I'm going to pop in a DVD. Then later clean up around the house.

P.S. Thanks Falling_Starlight for your comment! Good to know I'm not the only self-conscious person out there trying to exercise! My family also makes crude comments about strangers on appearances, fat/skinny, stupid, etc.

I had an indulgent bowl of popcorn with a little oil and some salt, then a bowl of cereal with milk. This brings my total calories for the day to approximately 1520. I'm very happy with that. Didn't go on a full-out binge, and I exercised a wee bit. At my size, I could lose weight eating that much.

The exercise attempt was... haha... yeahhh...

I spent more time getting the plastic wrap and security device stickers off the DVD than I spent using it! But workout dance DVDs are fun! I enjoyed the few minutes I did. Just got wheezy and had to stop.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

At-home and No-equipment Exercise

I was reading Ana's Girl's blog posts from June. (I'm behind on all your blogs!)

Some things she'd written reminded me of isometric exercises, and of at-home-no-equipment exercises. So here's some links.

Isometric Exercise tutorial

Shape's Workout links page

Bunch of info about muscle groups, simple exercises, callisthenics right HERE.

Just about every magazine geared towards women has a website with a fitness/exercise section.

i feel fat... but optimistic

I feel fat.

I can't see my toes. Literally.

I have NO clothes that look even halfway good on me.

It's freakin' summer and I'm still freakin' fat.

So... the plan:

I weighed/measured on the 1st. I'll do it again on the 15th and again on the 31st. And that's it. On no other day shall I step onto the scale. I'm a bit of a scale junkie, so I'm wagering that by taking the scale away, I will work harder to see a bigger difference from the 1st to mid-July and then to the end of the month.


222 lbs.

(all measurements in inches at widest parts)
42 bust
43 waist
49 hip
47 butt
15 upper arm
26.5 per thigh
16.25 per mid-shin
6.5 wrist


No starvation. But also no high calorie days. Keep calories above 1200 but below 1600. Eat somewhat intuitively, but balance calorie consumption with exercise. Spend less time sitting, more time moving. Get enough sleep per night. And plenty to drink. Limit sodium and cut off caffeine by 4pm. Write what I eat, how many calories. Be mindful ~ pay attention to what I'm eating as I'm having it, and also be sure I'm not emotional-eating. Ask, "is it worth the calories?" (It's usually not).


I've found that for me, thinking of calories in terms of cost helps. Example: 3 strawberries would cost me 25 calories out of 1400 for the day. Is it worth it? Definitely. Whereas a portion of fries would cost 400 calories, a big chunk of my daily expenditures! Not worth the cost at all!

Also going with the cost thing, I can search for the bargains. 3 strawberries for 25 calories are packed with flavor and nutrients, but won't fill me up. French Fries count as a starchy vegetable, but come with a bunch of fat and oil and salt. Might satiate my hunger at the moment, but I'm sure to be hungry later. For the price of the fries I could have the strawberries plus a giant veggie salad without dressing, air popped corn and a cup of soup!


I hate public exercising - I always feel soooo self conscious. Any one else feel that way?

This Summer I am going to exercise by: doing cardio and strength training in a community center/gym, walk around the neighborhood, find and ride a bike, and finally unwrap and use the workout DVDs I bought ages ago.

I plan/hope to do the gym three times a week (if I can get a ride, it's too far/ too many busy streets to walk) maybe work out at the gym MWF. And then 2-3 other days do light activity like walking, DVDs, biking, and other at home exercises. One day will be a total rest day. (but not a binge eat day!)

I would like to try some form of yoga.

Monday, May 31, 2010

any ideas?

1st of June tomorrow and I've no weight loss related plans or goals. What are ya'll doing in June?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

57 tips

(When you want to eat but "shouldn't")


  1. imagine what you'll look like at your goal
  2. make a to-do list
  3. clean out files, or school papers, or a desk, or junk drawer
  4. plan a dream trip or romantic encounter -- even if it's not practical
  5. leave the house -- go for a non-exercise walk or somewhere without food
  6. daydream
  7. read a book
  8. exercise (only if not fatigued or dizzy, etc)
  9. take a short nap
  10. drink water. add lemon or drink tea if craving no calorie/sodium flavor.
  11. if it's a late night craving -- go to bed. make a rule that you cannot leave the bed.
  12. blog publicly or journal privately
  13. find a hobby - i like beading, it's cheap, easy, can be mindless, and might make something pretty!
  14. get paper, glue and magazines. make a collage.
  15. do your nails
  16. clean something dirty -- toilet, a pets cage
  17. write a letter to your hunger/stomach
  18. surf the web
  19. make and remake weight goals
  20. rub lotion over entire body
  21. brush your teeth
  22. chew gum -- but only if it doesn't make cravings worse!
  23. take a few deep breaths
  24. watch some television
  25. play with a pet
  26. go someplace fun where food isn't allowed (library, museum)
  27. look at own pics at highest weight
  28. take a shower
  29. try a new hairstyle or makeup tip
  30. count coins - depending how many you have it may take a while, and filthy coins leave fingers smelling gross and metallic
  31. do a few sit-ups or squats
  32. turn on some music and dance a bit
  33. call a friend
  34. write about a recent accomplishment, refer to it when feeling down, or bingey
  35. arrange photos in an album (real or online) or scrapbook
  36. go thru a old yearbook and look at the people who "were better"
  37. play a board game or sport with kids (siblings, nephew/niece) or friends
  38. tear paper into little bits, the smaller the bits the better. count the bits.
  39. try on clothes, a swimsuit
  40. wash your car, if you have one
  41. take a warm bath
  42. start a holiday/birthday shopping list
  43. check your email, usual website haunts
  44. create a mantra
  45. start a project
  46. do homework, or study any topic - even if not in school
  47. try meditation
  48. play solitaire
  49. sew a throw pillow - especially good if you do not already know how to sew!
  50. spritz on a body mist or light scented candles
  51. progressive relaxation -- tighten and release muscles
  52. organize big things (closet, room) or small things (knickknacks, bookshelf)
  53. dust a room, or a house!
  54. do gardening, sweeping, or other outside work
  55. stretch
  56. get crayons and a coloring book...
  57. fix something that is broken
**If nothing works and you feel awful and hungry and out of control, maybe you really should eat something. A slight set-back one day, must be better than a giant binge-fest!

i have a lot of curves....

Since I'll never post a real picture of myself, here's a visual aid.

fat stats : )

As of today...

Measurements in inches:

Waist - 43
Hip - 49
Thighs - 46
1 Thigh - 29
Chest - 43
Upper Arm - ~15-16

Weight.... uhhh.... let's put this in the silliest terms.
100,607 grams
0.1006 ton


back and fatter than ever!

It's been a long time, huh? I'm back to the weight I was when I first started this blog. Depressing... I'm trying a new angle on this weight loss thing. Healthy eating and exercise. riiiight....

Here's the logic: I'm HUGE. I live in a family of people who like to eat big quantities, often. We're all vegetarians....so me using that as an excuse....it just wouldn't work. I've gotten cornered into therapy -- with a guy who happens to have ed training... ummm coincidence? or maybe paranoia on my part. :(

I'm still counting calories. Getting about 1200 per day + a wee bit of exercise. Figure I'll up the exercise and see if I can lose some. Seems only time I "lose" weight is day after laxies. And that's not really lost weight, ya know?

So PLAN? Honestly...I dunno. Guess I'll try to steal a moment to log on now and then and post... weight? measurements? Gosh, haven't measured myself in forever! I did get some calipers a.k.a torture devices tho. So I'll break out the calipers, measuring tape, scales and notebooks and bmi charts and.... post.

Blogs ~ I've been reading Jo's blog and Poker face and a handful of others now and then. Haven't commented - haven't been able to log onto google...stupid lost password... But hey, maybe I'll be able to get a few words in here and there.

Youtube.... anyone watch "those" videos on youtube? Anyone have the experience of someone borrowing your computer... clicking into youtube... and seeing the incriminating "videos recommended for you"?

That's it for now - it's late at night here - so maybe I'll post again in the AM?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."