Friday, July 31, 2009


6:30 AM - I'm going for a run.

haha yeah right... I don't actually run, I do some sort of awkward stumbling nearly falling thing, and then I give up and walk.

So, if you don't hear from me, you can assume my ankles have collapsed in upon themselves, and I'm lying in a heap on some sidewalk somewhere.

Or that I've been abducted by aliens.

Or eaten by wolves. I'd make a wonderful meal.

Or snatched by some guy who has been hiding in the bushes and waiting ever so long.

Or that I had a bad encounter with duct tape. And lost.

Or I got hungry and ate my bread crumb trail and couldn't find my way back.

Or a giant robot cat attacked me, like out of some bad anime. And I got fried by their laser eyes.

Or I happened across a tear in the space time continuum and :::

Or I gave up on life and made a home out of a refrigerator box in an old alley.

Or I spontaneously decided to get a degree in marine biology.

Or I took a fall, hit my head, and forgot who I was.

Or perhaps I decided to take my vegetarianism to a new extreme and eat only what the land (um, neighborhood) has to offer. In which case that pie you left to cool in your windowsill...

After rereading this I have decided to sleep first, then run.


Hello lovelies, it is 5am, and I have yet to sleep. (thanks a lot Vee, ever since I read your blog I've had terrible insomnia. hehe - weird coincidence, huh?) Actually my lack of sleep is fear/paranoia based. I was out a few weeks ago and was approached by several tough looking guys who basically said they'd do something awful to me if I didn't hand over my purse. So I did. Probably a dumb thing to do, but I was alone and figured I didn't want to take my chances. Unfortunately I was carrying a lot of cash with me at the time. Oh well, money's renewable, my life isn't.

For comic relief: Shin Chan

Thursday, July 30, 2009


euhhh... I don't want to do this post! But i have to, cause i said i would.

Today was a high-sodium, high-calorie day.

Breakfast was three-fourths of a sandwich and half a cup of skim milk - 360
Lunch was soup and popcorn - 215
OK, fine, but then there was dinner... take out - 1350

So total calories for the day: 1925

At least it's under 2000...

And again, no exercise.

Plans for Tomorrow:
Strict 1500 calorie limit
No sleeping in
Must drink 7 bottles of water or sugar free drink
Exercise for at least 2 hours total


Woah... 18 Followers! Awesome!

Here's some linky-dinky-doos for you!

Health Status - bmi, waist to hip, blood alcohol, body fat, frame size, etc.
BMI - calculates bmi, and compares you to those of similar age/height.
Losertown Calorie Maintenance Calculator

Fat Free Vegan

The Hacker's Diet - a book you can read online for free
Tone Teen
12 Week Weight Loss Program
Military Fitness

Make a life list of things you want to accomplish!
Thinspiration - totally discreet, you can just say you're swimsuit shopping!



Here's some good, low cal foods. Some of these I try to eat when I'm in a bingey mood; lots of food for little calories. These are all good for the non-cooker.

:: Progresso garden vegetable soup, a can has 200 calories, it also comes in 50% less sodium.

:: 2 cups romaine lettuce, 1 medium apple (diced), 1 clementine (each segment halved). Packed full of fiber and vitamins, this salad comes to 125 calories. You can also use some 1 cal/spray dressing, and/or add low fat cottage cheese for protein and calcium at 90 calories per half cup.

:: 1 piece of whole wheat toast with 1 teaspoon each peanut butter and jam. (1 tsp. pb is 32, 1 tsp. jam is 17) Total calories depend on what kind of bread you use - for me this is 140 calories.

:: Air popped corn (not from a bag) - 3 tablespoons of corn makes about 3 cups popped = 130 calories. Popcorn is a whole grain, so it's pretty healthy. You can use butter flavored cooking spray and sprinkle on salt for no added calories. Other things I like on popcorn: garlic powder/salt, cinnamon, pepper.

:: String cheese, 80 calories per stick, low in fat -- and I can eat it slowly!

:: "Poor Man's Soup" (a personal creation) - boil 2 cups of water, add 7 diced baby carrots, 2 cups chopped spinach, and 1 vegetable bouillon cube. Entire pot has 85 calories.

:: 1 cup of plain yogurt with 1/2 cup of berries - 170 calories. Can add a packet of artificial sweetener or a dash of vanilla extract or cinnamon for extra flavor.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


McDonald's Small Iced Coffee -130
Dunkin' Donuts Vanilla Iced Latte Lite, 16 oz. - 80
Coffee, black, 8 oz. - 5
Caribou Coffee, Hot Coffee with flavor shot, 16 oz. - 110
Caribou Coffee, Iced Americano, 24 oz. - 20

Subway 6" sandwich, all veg no meat or cheese - 230
Burger King Cheeseburger - 330
BK Veggie Burger without mayo/cheese - 340
Taco Bell Bean Burrito - 350
A typical slice of American Cheese - 50
1 Fortune Cookie - 25

Produce: In fruits, a medium fruit is generally about the size of a closed fist. A medium sized banana is about 7 inches long.

Apple - medium 70, large 110
Apricot - 25
Banana - medium 105
Blueberries - about 1 calorie each, 1/2 cup is 40 cal
Cherries - 30 cal in 8
Clementine - 35
Grapes - 105 in 1 cup
Grapefruit - 110
Kiwi - 50
Orange - medium 7 0z. 85, large 10 oz. 130
Peach - 45
Pear - 105
Plum - 45
Strawberries - 20 cal in 3 large or 6 small
Tangerine - 50
Tomato - 3 oz. is 15, 5 oz. is 25

Asparagus - 10 cal in 3 spears
Baking Potato - small w/0 skin 145
Bell Pepper (any color) - 28
Broccoli - 25 in 3 florets
Carrots (baby or mini) - 5 each
Corn - 120 cob, 80 for 1/2 c. kernels
Cucumber - 45
Lettuce - (Romaine, 10 cal in 1 cup) (Iceberg, 8 cal in 1 cup)
Peas - 30 in 1/4 cup


First - YAY! 9 Followers! I had no clue anyone would read this stuff. Ana's Girl, thanks for all your comments! I go to comment on a blog and i never have anything decent to say... but you ROCK!

On my profile I have the list of blogs I'm following - haven't read all of them, but I'll get around to it. It's a pretty big list, so I'm just sayin' if you're looking for a new blog to follow, check out the list there's a ton of great ones on there, and I'll keep adding more as I find them. If ya'll know of a great blog, feel free to post it in comments. (and of course if you post on comments, I'll check out your blog too!)

Again, this was a lazy day for me. I meant to exercise, I just didn't get around to it. I woke up late after a night of partying (read: googling) and was...well....a lazy butt! :-D

breakfast was a giant bowl of cereal with milk, so 325 cal.
lunch was 2 cups of soup and a popscicle, 300 cal.
dinner was 2 slices of pizza (yes! I did it!) for 400 cal.
Total calories: 1025

I think that's fine, for a didn't exercise/slept day. I'll probably chew some gum later on, so add on 5 or so. But honestly, I don't count sugar free gum and candy, unless I eat several pieces.


I don't know what my deal is! I go like years without having any interest in eating junk food, and now that i'm fed up and ready to lose this weight, I can't keep my paws off of it! (I say "paws" here b/c I always envision myself as a big bumbling bear. Also, I tend to hibernate during the winter!) Anyway, back to reality, *whew* I've eaten the worst food the past couple weeks. There was yesterday's 1200 calorie junk-food-incident... sorry this is getting ranty and pointless >.>

Today isn't so bad, I had a 100 calorie popscicle that i neither needed nor wanted (so why'd I eat it???) But dinner is pizza. yikes. I don't like pizza, but it's one of those foods I eat obsessively...


Dot, you're a darling!

Here's my stats, these are from today. I've been measuring since June 6th, so I'll post the inch differences too.

Neck: 15.5"
Upper arm: 17.5"
Chest: 41.5" (-2.5" overall)
Waist: 42" (-2.25" overall)
Hip: 47"
Butt: 47"
Thigh: 44" (heels together, both thighs measured)

No excuse for those kind of numbers. >:-0

But, good news! My weight was down 2.8lbs from last week, so at least I'm losing, however slowly.

I usually set unattainable goals for myself and then feel bummed when i don't reach them. So, following tradition, my goal is to weigh 199lbs by Aug. 31.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I'm going to run out of things to write about!

So I did pretty damned awful today. I didn't exercise, i was literally at the computer all day. I did drive to a couple places but didn't walk much (for some reason when i spend alot of time in the car I think i've like exercised that day, I guess just based on the distance i've travelled). LAME-O. haha

Oh my. I amuse myself. How sad.

Food-wise: skipped breakfast; had some greens with dressing and nuts for lunch; then on impulse i wolfed down ~1100 calories worth of chips; got peckish around 3pm and had a popsicle (40 cal); then steamed veggies with rice, a slice of garlic toast, more salad with dressing, and lots of butter in the rice (totally unnecessary). So...adding...

Lunch - 250
Junk food - 1140
Dinner - 675
Total calories for the day = 2065+

*makes weird gargling noise with throat*

It's a bit disappointing as this was my first day and it absolutely failed. Tomorrow's a new day...

Tomorrow morning I'm planning to weigh and measure. I may post measurements simply for accountability, but i'll warn ya'll in the title so you can avoid looking. (last i knew my hips were around 50")


Here's a list of books on random subjects. (mostly about disordered people) Yay!

Eat to Live by Joel Fuhrman - a book promoting vegetarian/veganism, not horribly triggering b/c the foods listed are all extremely healthy. Comes with a few recipes, although no cooking instructions (huh). Good for general knowledge of healthy eating.

Halfway House by Katharine Noel - a fiction book about a 17 year old that has bipolar disorder, goes nuts, and struggles to be normal.

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher - a personal favorite eating disorders novel, vividly descriptive and practically provides step-by-step instructions for the eating disordered.

Second Star to the Right by Deborah Hautzig - a work of fiction based on the author's life with anorexia.

The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler - this small book was published in 1984. It is simply a book of qualities that people may have or experience. It's interesting cause each page introduces you to a quality as though the quality were a person. (it's somewhat similar to personifying Ana or Mia) This has been helpful for me in identifying certain qualities within myself. Examples of qualities presented are: fear, power, beauty, competition, change, pain, charm. Every few pages there is an illustration of this "person".

Augusten Burroughs has written several books, sorts of memoirs. It's a good read if you want to hear a guy's quirky take on his messed up childhood and simply queer life.

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson - a fictional book about a girl with anorexia/obsessions, published in 2009. Simply fantastic. Anderson stays very true to the eating disordered, while neither promoting nor condoning the lifestyle.

The Best Little Girl in the World - this book disappointed me, perhaps because it was written from the doctor's perspective, and because Kessa was not an individual, but a composite of cases the doctor had treated. It was frankly, boring to read.


So let's say today hasn't gone well. I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. I am an impulsive bitch. I ate a lovely salad with some protein, and felt satisfied. But then I went and looked for something else to eat. And I found potato chips. dammit I haven't had chips in...a long time. And I wanted them. And I gave in. Damn. So i retroactively calculated the calories, it comes to about 1100. It's 2pm, and that estimate leaves me 400 for dinner. (the reason that's a problem is that dinner is a sit down with family thing, and regular portions of dinner run about 500-700 calories.)

As a child i was nicknamed "garbage can" because I was pressured by parents to eat all that remained of dinner, so there would be no pesky leftovers. And...I still eat like that. I will eat until there is nothing left. Even if i'm not hungry, or if i don't want to eat it, or if it doesn't even taste good...I will eat until it is gone. I'm a little obsessive about things too, so that doesn't help. So now, I've just got to get obsessive about weight loss.

Let's talk about exercise. I am physically unfit. I wasnt' very active as a kid (read: video games) and that's followed me into adult life. hmmm...

I can tolerate:
lifting weights

I have never done:
cardio machines (treadmill, elliptical)

I have access to a community gym. I live in a gated community so the sidewalks/neighborhood is relatively safe. But i'm horribly self conscious, whenever I go for a walk, i'm convinced the neighbors are staring at me, thinking "there goes that fat chick, waddling down the road". well, maybe not that last part, but I do get super paranoid that people are watching/judging me.

I'm going to go attempt some clumsy form of exercise.

Monday, July 27, 2009


First - YAY! I HAVE READERS! Thanks ya'll!

So I totally changed my mind. Long as I'm careful, nobody I know will find this. (hope i'm right)

Here's some stats/goals to let you all know how far I've let things slip out of control.

HW: 245 freakin pounds.
LW: 140 (eh, OK)
CW: *uck*
UGW: 110 (i'm a dreamer LOL)

Gawd, i just looked it up and i'm technically obese. Phuket. Least I'm tall :P

So here's my goals:
GW 1: 195 (under 200!)
GW 2: 180 (my weight couple years ago)
GW 3: 170
GW 4: 155
GW 5: 140 (my lowest ever as an adult)
GW 6: 130!
GW 7: 120
GW 8: 110

Eight steps...think i can do it???

For those who are wondering...
I am pro-ana, but i have yet to really experience that. Mia however, i know and fear. (put it this way, I had a lotta sore throats as a kid) I consider myself not ana/mia due to my overweightedness. I'm planning a 1500 calorie diet at first, starting tomorrow. b/c my knowledge of nutrition tells me that it's ridiculous to try to maintain a rapid weight loss when we're talking about 100 pounds. simply put, i'll restrict as needed. Cause when i lose this weight, I wanna keep it off. Also I eat every meal with family. yikes.

I've got a wealth of nutrition and calorie information knocking around in my head. If anyone ever has questions of that sort just ask in comments.


The first Pro Ana blog I visited was by the absolute goddess Ana Regzig, whose blog can be found by simply looking up her username. That was more than a year ago. When I happen upon a blog that interests me, I will spend a few hours (or days) reading all of that person's posts. (maybe that's a little obsessive!) So the following are blogs that I read frequently and have read all of the particular person's posts:

(hopefully these names will be links! And -- if i list you, and you don't want to be listed, shoot me a comment and I'll edit you out.)
Vee's blog is probably my favorite, she writes about more than just calories, it's fun and interesting to read - plus she's a great writer! She's been blogging since January so there's tons to read.

Ana's Girl writes in...I guess it would be prose. Each post is like reading a conversation in a book. For some reason her writing reminds me of Marya Hornbacher's style. It's unique and really puts you into what's going on in her mind.

Poker Face gets in the male perspective on things. I just came across his blog yesterday, yet I've read it all, that's how good it is. He puts up gorgeous pictures of guys. And like Vee, he writes about life - not just food.

Kat is the go-to-blog for thinspiration. She defines the phrase "staying strong". It is totally inspirational to read her blog.

These are the blogs I check on daily, there's others I read too.

Hopefully my blog will turn out decent! It's just, I'm afraid of being too revealing on my blog. Sure, the internet's a big place, but that doesn't mean someone I know won't find this blog. And if there's anything I know for sure -- the moment someone catches on to what you're doing, you're screwed.


I shall not at this point post specifics, but believe me when i say I Am A Fat Hog.

I intend to use this space to list my food intake and exercise. Currently I eat a lot and exercise none. I am a university student, living at home under parental supervision. Thus, it is hard to get away with much. I'm thinking about going vegan, as i am mostly vegetarian now, but I actually like the taste of milk (skim, of course).

I will never post a picture of my face. But know that I am female, and ugly as hell. I have bad skin on my face (and that's where it matters most). I don't mean to sound overly negative. I'm really a pretty easy going person, i suppose i save my criticism for myself.

I have let myself go, I have let my eating get out of control. It sickens me -- the amount of food I eat in one day -- every day lately has been one continuous binge. gross.

I don't expect to get any readers of this self indulgent crap - but -- if you are interested, then comment and let me know you're out there!