Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Dinner was 1400+ calories. It was so tasty...I couldn't stop. I guess I've been in the binge mood all day. I think I'm at least under 2000 calories though. I'm probably gonna show a weight gain tomorrow...damn. I felt Mia wrap her long fingers around my throat, but I resisted. Now I feel ill. My stomach is cramping...ughhhh.

On a grosser note, allow me to describe my body! If a picture's worth a thousand words, then allow me to use a thousand words in place of a picture.

I'm medium framed.
I have narrow, US size 6.5 feet. My poor feet, they have to carry so much.
I have regular sized hands with strangely short fingers. I bite my nails.
I have good calves, but up near the knee they get fat. Notice mid-calf, down, don't I look thin? Take a good look, it's the last decent thing you'll see.
My thighs are ginormous. And I'm not exaggerating either.
Let's start over from the top.
My face is okay, except I have bad rashy skin.
If I really work at it I can see a double chin.
I have pretty good shoulders, but my arms have way too much fat on them. I can like grab onto a whole handful of fat on my upper arms. But, I have some muscle too. I'm pretty strong. I can leg press 200 pounds and depending on the type of exercise, lift up to 80 pounds with my arms.
But no matter how thin my arms are, they'll never be pretty. I used to be a cutter and burner.
I have no abs. I can't do a single crunch. When relaxed, the place on my body where abs should be sticks out farther than my breasts.
I'm pretty much a straight line down. Not a thin line mind you, a big thick magic marker line.

Really, I don't know how I let myself get this bad. I guess that's the thing about Mia, she doesn't necessarily make you lose weight, but she does let you eat, and eat, and eat. And then if you quit throwing up, and keep eating, well... then I happen.


Ana's Girl said...

Oh i hate my fat fat arms too. I thought i was the only one. But don't worry about the scars on them. Some twisted people (myself being one of them) really think that scars are beautiful. I have plenty of my own, but the thing is, i love them. maybe that just makes me crazy...

sadhana said...

I love scars, too. One of the things about my husband I am attracted to all his fucked up arms. They are just.. sexy. To me, scars like that speak loudly about the individual that bears them. These tell me that this person is deep and sensitive and feels things profoundly. It's a beautiful thing. Don't feel bad about it.

I know what you mean about your arms, though. My upper arms look like dough hanging from my bones. It's really gross.. especially with my forearms looking.. pretty normal (though still a bit large, ha ha)

Dot said...

So true about Mia. that's why I stopped. It's better to just be accountable for a binge. Makes you never want to deal with it again. : (
I can totally grab a handful of fat on my arms too! : p
I have scars on my arms and ankles.
You will lose the weight and achieve your goals! You won't always be like this!
Stay strong <3

heebeejebus! said...

OMG you have such little adorable feet! Haha I wear a US 10.5/11 in some shoes.

I feel a bit different about my arms though... I have scars all up and down my arms, but I look in the mirror all the time and imagine how my scars would look on smaller arms, and I think if they were planted on thin arms they wouldn't be so painful to have. IDK I don't think my scars are ugly, especially in comparison to the arms they're on.

Also, if you can't do crunches, there are a lot of exercises that you do using your legs, but afterwards you can tell they actually worked your stomach. Maybe that'll be a little easier for you since you have such strong legs. : )

Also, I think you're very brave and admirable for being so honest.

Anonymous said...

you -are- strong! but be careful lifting weights, because if you build up only muscle, it will just push your fat up making you look bulky. need to do lots of cardio! :) and if you do lift weights still, do your cardio first.. because then your body will have used all your glycogen stores (immediate energy) so by the time you get to the weights, your body will have to tap into pure fat for energy :) and dont worry about the crunches.. just start small and work your way up. day one - do two crunches. day two - do four. and so on.. that what i did with pushups :) you are so awesome. i admire you for being very straightforward. and cute feet!! i have 8.5 US. :(

Samantha said...

Personally, I think my scars are okay. But when I see other people staring at them and giving me weird looks, I feel bad. Thanks for all the tips :) My poor little feet have to lug my big body around everywhere. Don't you just feel sorry for them?

-H- said...

thanks for folowing my blog... i read all your post and they where intersting and informing , i liked all the links you had there...
so i hope you are doing well food wise and losing some weight...?...
stay strong

Lost and Learning said...

Hey! Thanks for following my blog. I had a few in the past with many followers but decided to put everything together on one blog; my stuggles, life, the ups and downs, you know I'm sure.

It makes me happy that you are resisting MIA. Personally I have only had to deal with Ana whenever she comes knocking at my front door. Stay strong, I'll check up on your progress from time to time.

Savory Sweet said...

I'm in love with this post. It was poetry.

"My poor feet, they have to carry so much."

All my support, thanks for sharing that part of you!!

Anonymous said...

I wish I could hug you right now. It's so hard to look at yourself like that, feature by feature, and catalog it. My gut sticks out further than my boobs, too, and I do -not- have small boobs.

I know exactly what you feel. I look in the mirror and am horrified, disgusted by what I see. A small, snobby part of me would grimace at someone else who looks like that. And then the's all my fucking fault.

It's okay. It's not too late. We can fix it. We will fix it.