POLL RESULTS

Don't remember if I've put these results up and...I'm too lazy to see if I have. So! Here's the results for the poll: "What are your favorite fitness/fashion magazines?" (multiple selections allowed)


Glamour ---------------- 35%
Cosmopolitan ------------ 32%
Other -------------------- 32%
Allure -------------------- 20%
Shape -------------------- 17%
Women's/Men's Health -- 14%
Don't read magazines ---- 14%
Self ---------------------- 11%
Yoga Journal -------------- 8%
Health -------------------- 0%

Speaking for myself - Glamour is the top fashion magazine, and Women's Health and Shape are rocking good fitness magazines. The best part about Shape is that in every issue there's at least one "weight loss story" or a "weight loss diary" complete with before/after pictures. And yes, I personally think Health is a sucky magazine.

back!!!!

I'm back! Back from where, you ask? Well... last I posted, I'd decided to go offline for a bit. Then I got sick. Then I had 2 trips to the emergency room. Then I ended up inpatient at a general psychiatric facility...for about a month. And now I'm sick again. Still sick and achy and crap. As for the weight bit...it's crap. At the psych hospital -- it's not for screwed up eating ppl or anything, but they weigh you every week AND they watch how much you eat AND if they decide you're not eating enough you're basically force fed doritos and Boost in addition to regular meals AND there's no way to exercise cause you're on this tiny little unit. So I went the complete opposite of the "dieting" thing. I ate chips and juice and cereal and milk and every single meal. Sooo... you can imagine how my weight is. Let's put it this way, I'm stuck wearing sweatpants for a while. ughghghghgh...

Ana's Girl & Vee, I've been keeping up with ya'll's blogs even though I haven't been posting/commenting.

Ana's Girl - love the progress/dedication you have now! hate the cutting :)

Vee - dang! your current internet situation + aunts + broken into house + .....


I'll be doing some catching up blog reading! I'll try to comment, but often when I'm reading a blog, I'm not logged into google. And I don't stay logged in cause I don't want anyone to get on my compy and find this blog!

xx
Samantha

HOORAY

Woohoo! I'm doing real well. I've lost nearly 9 inches and 9.5 pounds since I started this on July 27th. My measurements are:

Chest: (-1 from last week)
Waist: (-.5)
Hip: (+.5)
Thigh: (-1)

Just wanted to let ya'll know I'm still here, still alive, still reading your blogs! Just not posting/commenting as much (hafta lie low for a while).

:-)

Thanks for all the advice on my last post. I actually am already vegetarian, and have been about...19 years? I've thought about going vegan (and would like to from a moral standpoint), but that makes going out with friends kinda hard. Lately I've been trying to do a small breakfast and a family dinner, but for some reason that keeps not working out. Ah well, I'll figure something out. But thanks for the advice! And yes, Ana's Girl, I've read "Wasted" three times!

Calorie-wise I'm at 1380 for the day. I think that's pretty good. It's not as low as I'd like, and I'm awfully full now, but it's less than yesterday. But I ate a lot of junk food. I'm going to (try to) get up early tomorrow morning and go for a long walk/run.

I leave you with a quote: "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

GONNA GAIN

Lovin' the comments ya'll!

I've still reading some of your blogs (not as many as I'd like to) and commenting on maybe 1 out of 4? Yah, I know, I suck. I'll do better! But, thanks, for reading and commenting on mine! I'll get to yours...eventually. :-/

Calories for the day...UGGCCCKKKKHHHHH.
Seriously, two family sit-down meals in one day?
Breakfast - 600
Lunch - 1/2 sandwich & carrots with mustard *grin* - 150
Drink mix - 5
Dinner - 680
Dessert - 550!
Total Calories: ~1985

It's about double what I wanted to eat. How do you all get away with not finishing everything on your plate? I live in a "every dinner meal eaten with family" and "must clear your plate" home. And know, my immediate + extended family is overweight/obese and not at all athletic. I mean, remember the "let's split this pie into 6 pieces" thing? So how do I do it? How do I get away with not clearing my plate? Any opinions are welcome.

x
Samantha

YAY-BOO-UGH

First off, yay! I've lost 2 pounds since yesterday.

Second, boo. I probably lost because I cut my calories back so far, so I'll gain tomorrow.

Third, ugh. Family Sunday Breakfast. Caloric hit = 600.

LOW CALORIE DAY!

Sweet! Total Calories for the day: 690.

I was only able to pull this off cause I slept most of the day.

AH, DIZZY.

Interesting, a lot of you all enjoy dizziness too!

As a side note, I no longer cut or pop pills, I quit that about a year ago, and I guess whatever you'd call what I'm doing now is replacing that. I have to have a little craziness in my life!

I'm doing well today. I'm going to have a hot chocolate with added milk, so 50 calories so far today. I'll write more later.

MASOCHIST

Today was a normal calorie day. It wasn't planned to be that, but it turned out that way. Breakfast was good, 235 calories. Lunch was excessive at 500 calories. And dinner was yet another sit down occasion, I did alright at about 550 calories. But then came dessert at 600 calories. Euh. So total calories for the day: 1885 - I can expect a slight gain tomorrow morning. Today I was down almost 2 pounds but still not where I was at on Wednesday.

Do any of you have awful, persistent headaches that don't go away with sleep/medicine? What about dizziness?

Maybe I'm like masochistic or something but I'm really enjoying the dizziness, and even more so when I get so dizzy I have to sit down. That is, as long as I'm totally alone! I guess I just enjoy any sensation in my body that's different than what I feel in a normal day. That's probably why I cut and take pills... and it's probably why I'm doing what I'm doing now. Alright, gettin' too introspective.

So maybe I'm just imagining things, but last night in bed I started feeling my elbows and knees... those things are sharp!

We'll see how it goes...

xoxo
Samantha

SONGS (that remind me of ED)

Hunger Strike - Temple of the Dog
Stand in the Rain - Superchick
Courage - Superchick
Violet - Savage Garden
The First Taste - Fiona Apple
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
What's Good for Me - Lucy Woodward
(There's Gotta Be) More to Life - Stacie Orrico
Yummy - Gwen Stefani
Going Under - Evanescence
Creep - Radiohead
Into the Ocean - Blue October
Ana's Song - Silverchair
She Walks on Me - Hole
Supermodel - Jill Sobule

WINX CLUB

Have you ever heard of the kid's cartoon show Winx Club? These characters are ridiculously thin. Their knees come to a point! I never thought I'd be thinspired by a kid's show...

UGH

Today did not go well.
I woke up to a 2.6 lb weight gain.
I drank 225 cals for breakfast (a protein drink).
Then I had a yogurt and a banana (235).
Then 2 cups of grapes (220).
Then dinner -whew- 1200 or so?
Total calories: 1880
Then I felt bad and purged, minus 400 or so?
And no exercise today.

MY BODY

Dinner was 1400+ calories. It was so tasty...I couldn't stop. I guess I've been in the binge mood all day. I think I'm at least under 2000 calories though. I'm probably gonna show a weight gain tomorrow...damn. I felt Mia wrap her long fingers around my throat, but I resisted. Now I feel ill. My stomach is cramping...ughhhh.

On a grosser note, allow me to describe my body! If a picture's worth a thousand words, then allow me to use a thousand words in place of a picture.

I'm medium framed.
I have narrow, US size 6.5 feet. My poor feet, they have to carry so much.
I have regular sized hands with strangely short fingers. I bite my nails.
I have good calves, but up near the knee they get fat. Notice mid-calf, down, don't I look thin? Take a good look, it's the last decent thing you'll see.
My thighs are ginormous. And I'm not exaggerating either.
Let's start over from the top.
My face is okay, except I have bad rashy skin.
If I really work at it I can see a double chin.
I have pretty good shoulders, but my arms have way too much fat on them. I can like grab onto a whole handful of fat on my upper arms. But, I have some muscle too. I'm pretty strong. I can leg press 200 pounds and depending on the type of exercise, lift up to 80 pounds with my arms.
But no matter how thin my arms are, they'll never be pretty. I used to be a cutter and burner.
I have no abs. I can't do a single crunch. When relaxed, the place on my body where abs should be sticks out farther than my breasts.
I'm pretty much a straight line down. Not a thin line mind you, a big thick magic marker line.

Really, I don't know how I let myself get this bad. I guess that's the thing about Mia, she doesn't necessarily make you lose weight, but she does let you eat, and eat, and eat. And then if you quit throwing up, and keep eating, well... then I happen.

BLOG LINKS

CA - what to say? She needs accountability. (well that much is obvious...) Besides that, her blog is totally worth reading because unlike mine, she actually writes about stuff. Personal stuff. Good stuff. Stuffy stuff.

Oh yes, I certainly have a way with words...

sorry_i_can't_be_perfect - She's currently doing ABC. And I like how she shares a few childhood memories of things related to bodies and weight and such.

Lady Destroyed - This girl knows a lot of words. In summary: scale, secret identity, disgusting bug, bmi, skinny/tiny/bone. It's good, trust me.

Wait! Did I just tell you to trust me? Never trust me. Except...about calorie counts.

:D
Samantha

**NEAR BINGE

Aw, thanks ya'll. LOVE the comments!

I woke up hungry and unattended this morning. So I had my oatmeal & milk (235) eating no more than a teaspoon at a time, very slowly. Still hungry. I paced nervously around the kitchen. Opened the fridge. Leftovers. Pizza. Lasagna. Potato Salad. Shredded cheddar cheese. Just a bit? No. I stood entranced at the pantry. Potato chips. Tortilla chips. I could melt the cheddar on those! Cheese crackers. Little Debbie cakes. No. I could make dozens of peanut butter sandwiches and... NO.

I ate two-thirds of a cup of blueberries (90).
Still hungry.
Water.
An apple (110) diced into little bits that I ate one by one.
Brother is home.
Done.
435 calories.
Disaster averted.

STATS

Weight: down 0.4 pounds from yesterday. I'll need to lose half a pound every day to reach my August 31st goal.

Measurements (it's been a week)
(I can't remember my measuring point for upper arm, so the loss is probably off)
Upper Arm: 15" (~2.5" loss)
Wrist: 6.5"
Chest: 41" (-0.5)
Waist: 41" (-1.0)
Hip: 47" (-0.5)
Thigh: 43" (-1.0)
Total inches lost: ~5.5" (3" for sure)

UPDATE

Weight today: 0.6 pounds down from yesterday. I need to lose 3 pounds per week.

I had three meals today.
breakfast was oatmeal and coffee both with milk & a banana - 300
lunch was a bunch of sugary crap - 300
dinner was take away - 820
crystal light with 3g. fiber - 10
Total calories for the day: 1430
Exercise: a teeny bit of running/walking

Goals for tomorrow:
No sugar.
No artificial sweetener. (no soda, gum, candy, crystal light)
1500 calorie limit.
Exercise more than today.

MORE BLOG LINKS

Start-ups:
- Brooke is just starting her blog, as of today.
- L has been posting since July, she's got thinspiration pics up!
- Amber is a first time poster, long time reader.
- OBEEZA has a few posts currently. She posts short and sweet and has a very clean looking blog. You know what I mean?

Blogs I'm diggin':
- Sunny has an eclectic sort of blog that is just...very interesting.
- Lola's blog is awesome! It's so pretty~ I love the purple text on black :-D
- Dot's blog is da bomb (pardon my playground language). Seriously, her blog is so amazing! (I'm a fan...lol)

Alright, that's all the posting I have in me for right now. I have run out of words!

EXERCISES

These are exercises you can do at home with only a set of dumbells. But first, post-workout food. To burn fat, start with stretching, then weight training, then do mostly cardio, followed by some optional easy stretching. Post-workout, eat 3/4 cup of plain, low fat yogurt with either a bit of granola or half a tablespoon of honey. The yogurt + honey is gonna cost you approx. 130 calories. And the protein + carb combination is thought to spike up fat burning post-workout. Now for exercises:

• Lunge while holding a weight in each hand, as you stand back up pull the weights to armpits.
• Lunge while holding a weight in each hand. Curl both arms up, keeping elbows tucked in. Pause 4 seconds and lower arms. Return to standing position and repeat, alternating legs. Works lower body + biceps.
• For shoulders: Balance on one leg, knee bent at 90 degree angle, at hip height. Tighten abs to maintain balance. With a weight in each hand, stretch both arms out to sides, parallel to floor, palms down. Pause and lower arms. That's one rep. Alternate raised leg.
• Stand with a weight in each hand, curl arms up towards shoulders, then alternating, extend arms as though in a punch.
• Lie on your back on the floor, bring knees to chest, and in a fluid motion move legs/feet as though pedaling a bicycle in the air.
• For triceps: Lie flat on back, knees bent, feet flat on the ground. With a weight in each hand, press arms above chest. Keeping upper arms still, bend elbows 90 degrees, lowering the weights towards the floor behind your head. Then straighten arms for one rep.

Any of these unclear? Just ask.

TODAY and QUESTION

28 FOLLOWERS! ~ no way.

Question for ya'll: When I post the specific foods I have eaten - is that bad for you, good, or you just don't care? I know I was reading someone's blog once and they mentioned a dessert and I was like "omg...i have to eat that now". So I'm trying to be careful not to trigger anyone into binge mode, but it's also helpful to me to have a sort of food diary...so I dunno. Let me know your opinion via comments!
=-=-==-=-=

I was a bit more active today, nothing spectacular but I was on my feet a bit more. I'm going to do some simple weight and stretching exercises later. I swear I'd be a couple inches taller if I'd just stretch!

So let's look at my weight the past four days...
Friday it was ***.
Saturday I was 3.5 pounds down.
Sunday I was up 2 pounds.
Today I am down half a pound.

I don't think I've EVER had two consistent weigh-ins in a row. I'm constantly up and down. So my hope is tomorrow I'll be down, or even the same weight.

Calories for the day: 1360


I'll post more in a bit. I think I'll post some do-at-home exercises...

ABOUT JUNK FOOD/CALORIES

As I thought, my loss was only temporary. I am up 2 pounds from yesterday, but it's still a loss overall. I bet tomorrow will show a gain as well. Today was a food disaster. We went out to eat for Brunch. I was going to get oatmeal, but somehow let myself be talked into an omelette. It was a four egg omelette, with gobs of cheese and mushrooms. With it came bacon, toast and potatoes. I ate the whole omelette and the toast, but it still came to at least 700 calories. Later on my cousin (who's quite a bit older than me) decided it'd be a great idea to buy a bakery pie and split it, so I ended up eating all but the crust of a sixth of a pie. Probably -- 500 calories? Plus a big scoop of ice cream (300). THEN, dinner was Taco Bell. I ate a bean burrito (350) and salad with stuff in it (300). So I went approx. 650 calories over my limit. And oh no! the night is still young!

I'm off to read your blogs! Haven't read any for almost 2 days now...

x
Samantha

POLL ---->

By the way, to your right there is a poll, about favorite magazines. You can only vote once, but you can select multiple magazines!

THINKING WHILE I TYPE...

Thanks guys! All of your comments are so sweet :)

I did sleep, and slept, and slept, and slept. Yesterday I had a total of 450-550 calories! It was a casserole, so I'm not sure of the calories. Woke up this morning and weighed 4.5 pounds less than I did yesterday! I'm happy for the moment, but I'm not gonna get too excited until it shows consistently down. Today I've had 950 calories, practically in the same sitting. I'll have an apple later on so the total for today will be 1060 calories.

I might post later, but for now I'm off to take a mile and a half walk. I had some generic sort of post planned but now I can't remember what it was...

I GET A LITTLE STRANGE

6:30 AM - I'm going for a run.

haha yeah right... I don't actually run, I do some sort of awkward stumbling nearly falling thing, and then I give up and walk.

So, if you don't hear from me, you can assume my ankles have collapsed in upon themselves, and I'm lying in a heap on some sidewalk somewhere.

Or that I've been abducted by aliens.

Or eaten by wolves. I'd make a wonderful meal.

Or snatched by some guy who has been hiding in the bushes and waiting ever so long.

Or that I had a bad encounter with duct tape. And lost.

Or I got hungry and ate my bread crumb trail and couldn't find my way back.

Or a giant robot cat attacked me, like out of some bad anime. And I got fried by their laser eyes.

Or I happened across a tear in the space time continuum and :::

Or I gave up on life and made a home out of a refrigerator box in an old alley.

Or I spontaneously decided to get a degree in marine biology.

Or I took a fall, hit my head, and forgot who I was.

Or perhaps I decided to take my vegetarianism to a new extreme and eat only what the land (um, neighborhood) has to offer. In which case that pie you left to cool in your windowsill...

======
After rereading this I have decided to sleep first, then run.

BASTARDS

Hello lovelies, it is 5am, and I have yet to sleep. (thanks a lot Vee, ever since I read your blog I've had terrible insomnia. hehe - weird coincidence, huh?) Actually my lack of sleep is fear/paranoia based. I was out a few weeks ago and was approached by several tough looking guys who basically said they'd do something awful to me if I didn't hand over my purse. So I did. Probably a dumb thing to do, but I was alone and figured I didn't want to take my chances. Unfortunately I was carrying a lot of cash with me at the time. Oh well, money's renewable, my life isn't.

For comic relief: Shin Chan

DON'T WANNA POST

euhhh... I don't want to do this post! But i have to, cause i said i would.

Today was a high-sodium, high-calorie day.

Breakfast was three-fourths of a sandwich and half a cup of skim milk - 360
Lunch was soup and popcorn - 215
OK, fine, but then there was dinner... take out - 1350

So total calories for the day: 1925

At least it's under 2000...

And again, no exercise.

SO...
Plans for Tomorrow:
Strict 1500 calorie limit
No sleeping in
Must drink 7 bottles of water or sugar free drink
Exercise for at least 2 hours total

WEBSITE LINKS

Woah... 18 Followers! Awesome!

Here's some linky-dinky-doos for you!

Calculators:
Health Status - bmi, waist to hip, blood alcohol, body fat, frame size, etc.
BMI - calculates bmi, and compares you to those of similar age/height.
Losertown Calorie Maintenance Calculator

Recipes:
Fat Free Vegan

Diet/Exercise:
The Hacker's Diet - a book you can read online for free
Tone Teen
12 Week Weight Loss Program
Military Fitness

Other:
Make a life list of things you want to accomplish!
Thinspiration - totally discreet, you can just say you're swimsuit shopping!

xx
Samantha

SOME RECIPES/FOODS

Here's some good, low cal foods. Some of these I try to eat when I'm in a bingey mood; lots of food for little calories. These are all good for the non-cooker.

:: Progresso garden vegetable soup, a can has 200 calories, it also comes in 50% less sodium.

:: 2 cups romaine lettuce, 1 medium apple (diced), 1 clementine (each segment halved). Packed full of fiber and vitamins, this salad comes to 125 calories. You can also use some 1 cal/spray dressing, and/or add low fat cottage cheese for protein and calcium at 90 calories per half cup.

:: 1 piece of whole wheat toast with 1 teaspoon each peanut butter and jam. (1 tsp. pb is 32, 1 tsp. jam is 17) Total calories depend on what kind of bread you use - for me this is 140 calories.

:: Air popped corn (not from a bag) - 3 tablespoons of corn makes about 3 cups popped = 130 calories. Popcorn is a whole grain, so it's pretty healthy. You can use butter flavored cooking spray and sprinkle on salt for no added calories. Other things I like on popcorn: garlic powder/salt, cinnamon, pepper.

:: String cheese, 80 calories per stick, low in fat -- and I can eat it slowly!

:: "Poor Man's Soup" (a personal creation) - boil 2 cups of water, add 7 diced baby carrots, 2 cups chopped spinach, and 1 vegetable bouillon cube. Entire pot has 85 calories.

:: 1 cup of plain yogurt with 1/2 cup of berries - 170 calories. Can add a packet of artificial sweetener or a dash of vanilla extract or cinnamon for extra flavor.

CALORIE COUNTS FOR COMMON FOODS

Coffee:
McDonald's Small Iced Coffee -130
Dunkin' Donuts Vanilla Iced Latte Lite, 16 oz. - 80
Coffee, black, 8 oz. - 5
Caribou Coffee, Hot Coffee with flavor shot, 16 oz. - 110
Caribou Coffee, Iced Americano, 24 oz. - 20

Random:
Subway 6" sandwich, all veg no meat or cheese - 230
Burger King Cheeseburger - 330
BK Veggie Burger without mayo/cheese - 340
Taco Bell Bean Burrito - 350
A typical slice of American Cheese - 50
1 Fortune Cookie - 25

Produce: In fruits, a medium fruit is generally about the size of a closed fist. A medium sized banana is about 7 inches long.

Fruits
Apple - medium 70, large 110
Apricot - 25
Banana - medium 105
Blueberries - about 1 calorie each, 1/2 cup is 40 cal
Cherries - 30 cal in 8
Clementine - 35
Grapes - 105 in 1 cup
Grapefruit - 110
Kiwi - 50
Orange - medium 7 0z. 85, large 10 oz. 130
Peach - 45
Pear - 105
Plum - 45
Strawberries - 20 cal in 3 large or 6 small
Tangerine - 50
Tomato - 3 oz. is 15, 5 oz. is 25

Vegetables
Asparagus - 10 cal in 3 spears
Baking Potato - small w/0 skin 145
Bell Pepper (any color) - 28
Broccoli - 25 in 3 florets
Carrots (baby or mini) - 5 each
Corn - 120 cob, 80 for 1/2 c. kernels
Cucumber - 45
Lettuce - (Romaine, 10 cal in 1 cup) (Iceberg, 8 cal in 1 cup)
Peas - 30 in 1/4 cup

CALORIES and THANKS

First - YAY! 9 Followers! I had no clue anyone would read this stuff. Ana's Girl, thanks for all your comments! I go to comment on a blog and i never have anything decent to say... but you ROCK!

On my profile I have the list of blogs I'm following - haven't read all of them, but I'll get around to it. It's a pretty big list, so I'm just sayin' if you're looking for a new blog to follow, check out the list there's a ton of great ones on there, and I'll keep adding more as I find them. If ya'll know of a great blog, feel free to post it in comments. (and of course if you post on comments, I'll check out your blog too!)

Again, this was a lazy day for me. I meant to exercise, I just didn't get around to it. I woke up late after a night of partying (read: googling) and was...well....a lazy butt! :-D

Food-wise...
breakfast was a giant bowl of cereal with milk, so 325 cal.
lunch was 2 cups of soup and a popscicle, 300 cal.
dinner was 2 slices of pizza (yes! I did it!) for 400 cal.
Total calories: 1025

I think that's fine, for a didn't exercise/slept day. I'll probably chew some gum later on, so add on 5 or so. But honestly, I don't count sugar free gum and candy, unless I eat several pieces.

JUNK FOOD

I don't know what my deal is! I go like years without having any interest in eating junk food, and now that i'm fed up and ready to lose this weight, I can't keep my paws off of it! (I say "paws" here b/c I always envision myself as a big bumbling bear. Also, I tend to hibernate during the winter!) Anyway, back to reality, *whew* I've eaten the worst food the past couple weeks. There was yesterday's 1200 calorie junk-food-incident... sorry this is getting ranty and pointless >.>

Today isn't so bad, I had a 100 calorie popscicle that i neither needed nor wanted (so why'd I eat it???) But dinner is pizza. yikes. I don't like pizza, but it's one of those foods I eat obsessively...

**WARNING** STATS

Dot, you're a darling!

Here's my stats, these are from today. I've been measuring since June 6th, so I'll post the inch differences too.

Neck: 15.5"
Upper arm: 17.5"
Chest: 41.5" (-2.5" overall)
Waist: 42" (-2.25" overall)
Hip: 47"
Butt: 47"
Thigh: 44" (heels together, both thighs measured)

No excuse for those kind of numbers. >:-0

But, good news! My weight was down 2.8lbs from last week, so at least I'm losing, however slowly.

I usually set unattainable goals for myself and then feel bummed when i don't reach them. So, following tradition, my goal is to weigh 199lbs by Aug. 31.

SIXTH POST IN 2 DAYS - lol

I'm going to run out of things to write about!

So I did pretty damned awful today. I didn't exercise, i was literally at the computer all day. I did drive to a couple places but didn't walk much (for some reason when i spend alot of time in the car I think i've like exercised that day, I guess just based on the distance i've travelled). LAME-O. haha

Oh my. I amuse myself. How sad.

Food-wise: skipped breakfast; had some greens with dressing and nuts for lunch; then on impulse i wolfed down ~1100 calories worth of chips; got peckish around 3pm and had a popsicle (40 cal); then steamed veggies with rice, a slice of garlic toast, more salad with dressing, and lots of butter in the rice (totally unnecessary). So...adding...

Lunch - 250
Junk food - 1140
Dinner - 675
Total calories for the day = 2065+

*makes weird gargling noise with throat*

It's a bit disappointing as this was my first day and it absolutely failed. Tomorrow's a new day...

Tomorrow morning I'm planning to weigh and measure. I may post measurements simply for accountability, but i'll warn ya'll in the title so you can avoid looking. (last i knew my hips were around 50")

BOOKS

Here's a list of books on random subjects. (mostly about disordered people) Yay!

Eat to Live by Joel Fuhrman - a book promoting vegetarian/veganism, not horribly triggering b/c the foods listed are all extremely healthy. Comes with a few recipes, although no cooking instructions (huh). Good for general knowledge of healthy eating.

Halfway House by Katharine Noel - a fiction book about a 17 year old that has bipolar disorder, goes nuts, and struggles to be normal.

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher - a personal favorite eating disorders novel, vividly descriptive and practically provides step-by-step instructions for the eating disordered.

Second Star to the Right by Deborah Hautzig - a work of fiction based on the author's life with anorexia.

The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler - this small book was published in 1984. It is simply a book of qualities that people may have or experience. It's interesting cause each page introduces you to a quality as though the quality were a person. (it's somewhat similar to personifying Ana or Mia) This has been helpful for me in identifying certain qualities within myself. Examples of qualities presented are: fear, power, beauty, competition, change, pain, charm. Every few pages there is an illustration of this "person".

Augusten Burroughs has written several books, sorts of memoirs. It's a good read if you want to hear a guy's quirky take on his messed up childhood and simply queer life.

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson - a fictional book about a girl with anorexia/obsessions, published in 2009. Simply fantastic. Anderson stays very true to the eating disordered, while neither promoting nor condoning the lifestyle.

The Best Little Girl in the World - this book disappointed me, perhaps because it was written from the doctor's perspective, and because Kessa was not an individual, but a composite of cases the doctor had treated. It was frankly, boring to read.

DAMN

So let's say today hasn't gone well. I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. I am an impulsive bitch. I ate a lovely salad with some protein, and felt satisfied. But then I went and looked for something else to eat. And I found potato chips. dammit I haven't had chips in...a long time. And I wanted them. And I gave in. Damn. So i retroactively calculated the calories, it comes to about 1100. It's 2pm, and that estimate leaves me 400 for dinner. (the reason that's a problem is that dinner is a sit down with family thing, and regular portions of dinner run about 500-700 calories.)

As a child i was nicknamed "garbage can" because I was pressured by parents to eat all that remained of dinner, so there would be no pesky leftovers. And...I still eat like that. I will eat until there is nothing left. Even if i'm not hungry, or if i don't want to eat it, or if it doesn't even taste good...I will eat until it is gone. I'm a little obsessive about things too, so that doesn't help. So now, I've just got to get obsessive about weight loss.

Let's talk about exercise. I am physically unfit. I wasnt' very active as a kid (read: video games) and that's followed me into adult life. hmmm...

I can tolerate:
biking
walking
lifting weights

I have never done:
swimming
videos
running
cardio machines (treadmill, elliptical)

I have access to a community gym. I live in a gated community so the sidewalks/neighborhood is relatively safe. But i'm horribly self conscious, whenever I go for a walk, i'm convinced the neighbors are staring at me, thinking "there goes that fat chick, waddling down the road". well, maybe not that last part, but I do get super paranoid that people are watching/judging me.

I'm going to go attempt some clumsy form of exercise.

STATS AND SUCH

First - YAY! I HAVE READERS! Thanks ya'll!

So I totally changed my mind. Long as I'm careful, nobody I know will find this. (hope i'm right)

Here's some stats/goals to let you all know how far I've let things slip out of control.

HW: 245 freakin pounds.
LW: 140 (eh, OK)
CW: *uck*
UGW: 110 (i'm a dreamer LOL)

Gawd, i just looked it up and i'm technically obese. Phuket. Least I'm tall :P

So here's my goals:
GW 1: 195 (under 200!)
GW 2: 180 (my weight couple years ago)
GW 3: 170
GW 4: 155
GW 5: 140 (my lowest ever as an adult)
GW 6: 130!
GW 7: 120
GW 8: 110

Eight steps...think i can do it???

For those who are wondering...
I am pro-ana, but i have yet to really experience that. Mia however, i know and fear. (put it this way, I had a lotta sore throats as a kid) I consider myself not ana/mia due to my overweightedness. I'm planning a 1500 calorie diet at first, starting tomorrow. b/c my knowledge of nutrition tells me that it's ridiculous to try to maintain a rapid weight loss when we're talking about 100 pounds. simply put, i'll restrict as needed. Cause when i lose this weight, I wanna keep it off. Also I eat every meal with family. yikes.

I've got a wealth of nutrition and calorie information knocking around in my head. If anyone ever has questions of that sort just ask in comments.

BLOGS I READ

The first Pro Ana blog I visited was by the absolute goddess Ana Regzig, whose blog can be found by simply looking up her username. That was more than a year ago. When I happen upon a blog that interests me, I will spend a few hours (or days) reading all of that person's posts. (maybe that's a little obsessive!) So the following are blogs that I read frequently and have read all of the particular person's posts:

(hopefully these names will be links! And -- if i list you, and you don't want to be listed, shoot me a comment and I'll edit you out.)

• Kat
  
• Vee
  
• Poker Face
• Ana's Girl

Vee's blog is probably my favorite, she writes about more than just calories, it's fun and interesting to read - plus she's a great writer! She's been blogging since January so there's tons to read.

Ana's Girl writes in...I guess it would be prose. Each post is like reading a conversation in a book. For some reason her writing reminds me of Marya Hornbacher's style. It's unique and really puts you into what's going on in her mind.

Poker Face gets in the male perspective on things. I just came across his blog yesterday, yet I've read it all, that's how good it is. He puts up gorgeous pictures of guys. And like Vee, he writes about life - not just food.

Kat is the go-to-blog for thinspiration. She defines the phrase "staying strong". It is totally inspirational to read her blog.

These are the blogs I check on daily, there's others I read too.

Hopefully my blog will turn out decent! It's just, I'm afraid of being too revealing on my blog. Sure, the internet's a big place, but that doesn't mean someone I know won't find this blog. And if there's anything I know for sure -- the moment someone catches on to what you're doing, you're screwed.

INTRO.

I shall not at this point post specifics, but believe me when i say I Am A Fat Hog.

I intend to use this space to list my food intake and exercise. Currently I eat a lot and exercise none. I am a university student, living at home under parental supervision. Thus, it is hard to get away with much. I'm thinking about going vegan, as i am mostly vegetarian now, but I actually like the taste of milk (skim, of course).

I will never post a picture of my face. But know that I am female, and ugly as hell. I have bad skin on my face (and that's where it matters most). I don't mean to sound overly negative. I'm really a pretty easy going person, i suppose i save my criticism for myself.

I have let myself go, I have let my eating get out of control. It sickens me -- the amount of food I eat in one day -- every day lately has been one continuous binge. gross.

I don't expect to get any readers of this self indulgent crap - but -- if you are interested, then comment and let me know you're out there!

-Samantha